A true story of unconditional love when my wife of 11 years left me for another man
“Love is unconditional. It is a spiritual state, not an emotion. It’s not a choice you pick at a fork in the road….it exists forever.” Is this just an ideal we strive for but can never attain or is it possible for a human to actually love someone unconditionally, love them even if they do something we hate or they decide to leave us?
The human condition is affected by all types of pushes and pulls from our emotions, upbringing, personality, temperament, ego and experiences. This makes us who we are and it also makes us imperfect and fallible. Of course, that’s what makes life interesting. Can we rise above all this and actually love someone unconditionally?
This quote was not just something I pulled from the sky because it sounded nice. It was based on my own personal experiences and observations. Now, for the first time since I started collecting stories from others, I am going to share an inner voice experience of my own that first awakened me to what true unconditional love means. This is a true love story on many levels.
I Was Not My Wife’s True Love
The year is 1986. After being happily married for 11 years, my wife suddenly and without warning told me she was divorcing me to go back to a man she had dated before we met. There were no obvious problems in our relationship. No arguments. Nothing was going on to indicate any trouble brewing.
Even after she told me this, she never said there was anything wrong with us. She just said that she had come to realize she loved this other guy in a way she didn’t love me and that’s all it was about. Two days after she told me this, she moved into an apartment. The guy left his wife of 25 years that same day and moved in with her. They got married within the year and she remained with him until she passed on a few years ago.
Hearing this coming from completely out of the blue crushed me. It was like I was run over by a steam roller. I have never before nor ever sense felt pain like that. I had imagined we would spend the rest of our life together.
I didn’t want anyone else. I loved this woman with all my heart. There is no way to describe the hurt and pain I felt. It was like every cell in my body was being torn apart and run through a food processor.
Unconditional Love Isn’t About What the Other Person Does
Yet, within hours of hearing this something else from deep within me spoke loud and clear. This was my true inner voice of wisdom. I still loved this woman as much as I had before she broke the news. I still wanted her to be happy. I still cared about her. If she would be more happy with someone else rather than me, that was her choice. I realized at that moment that if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, you want the best for them even if that means not being with you.
This realization did not make the pain and hurt go away. It was so severe and intense that it took me over three years to finally get back to being me. All my friends told me she was no good and would say unkind things about her. They thought that would make me feel better. They simply didn’t understand.
The way I saw it, how can someone go from loving someone to not loving them overnight just because they did something you didn’t want. That would negate the previous 11 years as if they never existed. It would disrespect all the good that happened in that relationship.
A Love Song About a True Love Story
A couple months after she left, I did a very strange thing which was the next step in helping me move forward with my life. Once again, my inner voice of wisdom came through loud and clear. Suddenly, I started thinking about this guy she went back to and how he must be feeling. I literally began to look at this through his eyes instead of mine.
That inspired me to write the lyrics to a love song written from his point of view. Maybe someday a songwriter will happen along that could put some music to this and turn it into an actual song.
Ticking
Lyrics by Don Shapiro
Courtesy of Rykristo Music Publishing
You told me we were through
It was what we had to do
We made our beds before we met
When our love’s fate was set
Our homes blazing oh so bright
With anger and more in plain sight
So we sought solace as one
Embraced away hurt on the run
(chorus)
It wasn’t right
Oh, no
It wasn’t right
To fly away in the night
To believe we could unite
So you hid our love
Deep inside of you
Tucked away from view
Ticking
Just ticking
Ticking for too many years
Ticking through a thousand tears
(Verse 2)
You locked your love far away
Deep in memory so they say
We became friends for many years
Saying hi without any tears
The years have taken flight
Family chains wrapped so tight
As our seedlings grew up, oh wow
You’ve come back for my love now
(chorus repeats)
(bridge to finale)
You couldn’t keep your love locked away
Just ticking til judgment day
So you threw away that old bed
And came back to me like they said
How was I able to still consider her happiness as being of paramount importance after what she had done? How could I go through the most devastating pain and hurt imaginable without having any ill feelings toward her? How could I possibly write a song lyric that was a love song written from the other guy’s point of view?
There is one and only one answer to these questions. I loved this woman unconditionally regardless of what she did. I am living proof that it is possible for a human being to love unconditionally.
It’s one thing to wax philosophically about what we believe is and is not possible concerning the human condition until we are thrown into the fire and discover how we respond in the moment. I wasn’t thinking about the meaning of love or the concept of unconditional love before this happened. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before so I was not prepared for it. Maybe we never are.
If you had asked me a year earlier what I would do under such a circumstance, I’m sure my answer would have been different than what I actually did. How I responded to this situation came from deep within my heart and it was as real as it gets. My reaction surprised me and inspired me.
What Unconditional Love Really Means
Since then, I have
given a lot of thought to the meaning of love versus how the word is thrown around all too easily. From this experience, I came to learn what true love means. The test of true love, unconditional love is this: would you still love the person even if they did something awful or left you for another? Would you still care about them and want the best for them?
If you can answer that question yes, you love unconditionally. If you answer that question no, what you are feeling is not love. It may be a very strong emotion and feeling of attachment but it is not love
The state of true love occurs when the love that is inside of us aligns at a deep energy and frequency level with the love that is inside of someone else. This connection isn’t about desire, attraction, enjoyment, similar interest, common values or emotions. It is something that simply happens outside of human control. Once that internal love alignment occurs, it will last forever. It can never be broken. Our spirit is forever connected to the other person’s spirit regardless of what happens with us on a human level.
True Unconditional Love Is Not a Choice
I honestly don’t know why some people have the capacity to love unconditionally and others do not. It is still a mystery to me why I was able to act and feel this way through such a nightmare. I have my doubts how many could go through this experience and discover their capacity for unconditional love. From my experience, this was not a choice. It simply reflected the state of love that existed inside of me and my natural and normal response due to that state of love.
It may be just fine for many people to exist in relationships based on strong emotional ties that they call love even though, in reality, it is not love at all. Unconditional love may sound like something wonderful but it appears we have no control over its occurrence though it would be something that I would hope all people would strive to find.
Relationships Are Conditional. True Love Is Not.
Relationships are conditional. True love is not.
We can and will place all kinds of conditions on having a relationship with someone based on a laundry list of human issues. We may decide we don’t want someone in our life anymore, even one of our children, if their behavior is too awful for us to handle. Most parents love their children unconditionally, even step children and ones they adopt.
If we truly love, love unconditionally, then regardless of what someone does, we will still love them whether we want them in our life or not or whether they want us in their life or not. True love never dies. Love is a spiritual state, not an emotion.
145 thoughts on “A True Story Of Unconditional Love”
Lovely. Possible. Timeless. Holy. A beautiful and touching letter.
I understand you more than you can imagine. I have been going nuts trying to know why i am having conditions to some significant persons but none for others like my child who doesnt even know i exist untill recently.
Love and relationship.you couldnt have used better words.
Thankyou.
Don, I applaud your ability to hear and to follow the wisdom of your inner voice. It has led you to be the person you are today, a fuller, more feeling, more compassionate, and more completely developed human being.
I have only one small difference of opinion regarding love, and it may only be one of semantics. While I agree with you that unconditional love should not be regarded as an emotion, I feel that to describe it as a ‘state’ or a state of being, minimizes the force which expresses itself in unconditional love.
I regard love…or ‘true love’…or ‘unconditional love,’ as spiritual, to be sure, but I regard it to be a spiritual POWER. I believe it is, in fact, the true power of God.
What else can sustain you through the agony you described? What force of will could possibly compel you to write the song you wrote, or resist the temptation to condemn your ex-wife? It must be a power stronger than any state of being.
While we may sit serenely as this awesome power inhabits us, it is a power that can transorm people and change lives, should we choose to use it.
It is the power which enables us to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies, and to write the song you wrote of such profound understanding.
Thank you for sharing your insights and your gifts with us, Don.
Much gratitude for sharing with us this amazing story. I, as you, am learning love on another level. I now hold much higher standards for myself when it comes to loving someone and myself. I am seeing love can exist in any given situation, if I allow it and get out of my stories that this “shouldn’t” have happened, or someone should live up to “my” expectations. We are love and therefore, it is not about giving or receiving, as much as it is about just Being love. I am seeing how true love is much larger than the stories we tell ourselves.
The song is amazing, would love to see it on YouTube. You are an exception to the rule, good to know you.
I love you! <3 🙂
Wow. I think of love as a force of nature that cannot be controlled by we puny humans. The fact that you could let it flow is truly incredible. Wow.
Wow! What you did with your pain was a tremendous ‘coup de force’. I would not be capable of it, nor do I know anyone who would be…
Perhaps love is an expression of ourselves..
and perhaps ‘true love’ expresses itself in many many forms, even forms that include violence.
I am not saying this is what we wish, or that it is desirable, but I think love and hate, can go together just as naturally as tears of laughter conjoin tears of sorrow.
It feels like you had to have developed an almost zen like place within yourself, as place where you practiced the big “I” as opposed to the little “i” and could rise above your personal pain and see this from afar..There is a Hindu verse in the Upansishads (I think) which talks about being both “the bird that eats and the bird that looks on from afar”.
To really feel the essence of this story I would need to have more context. What was she like, how had you met, what was going on in your life?? How did she receive this gift of ‘unconditional love’? You describe her as just leaving while you were in a state of complete incomprehension that anything like this was possible. Did you have children? Did you know this man, or anything about her past with him?
Reading it I find myself not liking her or him for doing what they did…but they don’t come alive to me as flesh and blood people. Only as the perpetrators of actions that caused a great deal of undeserved pain…
On a very deep psychological level I would even have to ask whether a part of you didn’t need to turn this story around, so that instead of being a victim, you appeared as a hero who through some gift or force was able to overcome a very powerful adversary…and that would be more familiar to me of what I know of humans than actually continuing to love her, even identifying with her new (old) lover, and letting her go and making her happiness paramount, putting it way above your own need and pain, and calling it unconditional love.
Would you have had an equal dose of unconditional love for yourself that if you had acted as she did, you would have been able to forgive and love yourself as much as you loved her??
I don’t pretend to know..and I believe you. But I also wonder, and would want to know more of the story..
Yes, Christ tells us to love our enemies. And I am sure there are one or two people who can do that…they are called saints!
I think when someone hurts another person (deeply hurts another) we look at that person almost the same way as we see a person who has committed a crime. Even if we are not the victim, we want to see some justice..
we at least want to see some remorse or acknowledgment by the transgressor that they have done a very cruel thing. It satisfies our moral urge.
Didn’t her actions give you pause and make you wonder why you loved her??
I might well think that a person who would do such a thing would not be worthy of my ‘unconditional love’.
This story is deep..but it leaves me with a lot of questions.
And maybe, and hopefully my kernels of doubt are unwarranted, and it is just what you said. an example of ‘true love’.
Good questioning
Don i have experienced the same…a couple of days back i almost wrote my story to you and i just had an OMG moment when i read this
So interesting! I was about to do the same.. and.. I don’t know.. there is more to being human than Don seems to be writing.. life is not about some issue you have with ONE person only.. People in the eastern world are routinely unconditional.. and this is just beginning to happen in north america. Hello folks.. Wakey! Wakey! Cheers to you.. 🙂
Hi Ruth,
As always, you look much deeper into what has been shared and ask great questions. I would expect no less from you especially after having read your marvelous poems.
The trouble with Blogs is that they are not books. I can’t write a 20 page typewritten piece that includes all the details about a single event. For Blogs, I’ve learned I need to focus on one aspect of an experience that will make a point. I realize this can leave people wanting to know a lot more.
First, the back story. She was Hungarian and a member of the Freedom Fighters that fought the Soviet Union in the Budapest uprising in 1956. When she didn’t see any opportunities for herself in Hungary following the Soviet response, she decided to come to America. To do that, she walked across a 50 mile stretch of land all by herself leading up to the Austrian border that had been planted with mines by the Soviets. Upon reaching Austria, she was taken in by the U.S. rescue mission and brought here. She did have family in the U.S. that sponsored her.
She arrived in the U.S. not speaking a word of English and began by peeling apples in a factory then graduated to pulling the excess threads out of shirts for a garment manufacturer. Instead of staying around her Hungarian family and friends all the time, she spent a lot of time around Americans so she could master our language. When she left me in 1986, she had worked her way up to being a Vice President of a publicly held corporation (and she did not have a college degree). By the time I met her, she spoke better English than most Americans.
Soon after arriving in the U.S., she married a Hungarian and they had a daughter. He turned out to be extremely abusive to both her and her daughter. That marriage lasted 9 years until she finally divorced him which may have coincided with her reaching a level of confidence and work success.
The last job she held while still married to him was as an inside sales representative for a large company where she won honors as their number one sales person. It was here where she became close with her boss who was also in a marriage that had problems. They began an affair that lasted until shortly after she divorced at which point she realized she couldn’t spend her life seeing a married man who had a wife and kids to raise. So she ended that relationship and started dating.
Go back and read the song I wrote and you will see the complete story in that song. I guess I figured the song would explain it in short hand form from their side which is why I didn’t devote more space to the back story. The song is a true story. Now you know the full story behind that song as well as more about both of them.
She dated for many years until we meet in 1974 when she and a girl friend came to dine at a restaurant I was managing and we struck up a conversation. She was 9 years older than me and her daughter was 13 at the time. When we started dating, both of us told each other we didn’t want anything serious. Our falling in love was a complete surprise to both of us.
From her background, she was wise way beyond her years. I was never really young even when I was chronologically young. We were on the same wavelength. Our relationship was filled with a lot of joy. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple.
I knew the complete back story I have shared with you because she told me all about it. Part of it I knew early on. The rest she filled me in on when she said she was leaving me. This decision was not made lightly on her part. She is a very responsible person of high integrity. It turned out that for almost a year before giving me the news, she had been seeing a psychologist to help her figure out these feelings she was having. She didn’t want to hurt me. She still loved me. But these feelings were so powerful in her that she didn’t know what to do. It took her a considerable period of time to come to terms with what her inner voice was urging her to do and what it would mean.
I believe the purpose of her going through therapy was to deal with huge guilt she was feeling. For her to act on her inner voice would destroy two marriages and she knew how it would affect me. This was not an impulse decision.
Maybe if you put together the entire back story from Hungary forward, you might be able to see how I could step away from my own pain and look at this from other perspectives. She had already lived the equivalent of three lives, faced things many of us will never face, and successfully overcome severe challenge after challenge to create a good life for her and her daughter. At the time of her decision to leave me, her daughter was now married with children of her own.
This story is also about her following her true inner voice of wisdom. She was a responsible and caring person as you can tell by now. At the same time, she was fearless in a way most of couldn’t even begin to understand. I knew that her decision was not made lightly and she had given incredible thought to it. I also knew that once she made a decision, she would stick with it.
Something happened between her and this other man when they had their affair that created a soul connection which can’t be broken. Even though she loved me and cared about me, she came to a point in her life after all she had been through where she knew she needed that connection. He had captured a portion of her heart that I couldn’t touch. She buried those feelings out of a sense of responsibility, respect and integrity and then fell in love with me. But you can’t keep soul connections like that buried forever.
This is why I called this a love story on many levels. It isn’t just about my unconditional love and following my inner voice. It is also about their love story and the many times she followed her inner voice even risking her life when she was in Hungary.
Which leads back to your questions about me. I can understand your raising these questions. Your questions are really more about you than about me. They are a reflection of your own experiences, observations and knowledge of psychology. Many people would have the same doubts you do because they have not experienced what I have nor witnessed it in others.
You say that when someone is deeply hurt by another, they will look at it as if a crime was committed and want to see justice or remorse. You say they see this as a cruel thing to have done.
Maybe those in the healing arts fields encounter so many people like this that they begin to believe all people would respond in the same way. I believe that the therapy fields (psychology, hypnotherapy and the like) can help a lot of people with their emotional and thought based issues. Yet, with 6.8 billion people on this planet, how can you know from your limited experiences and observations that there are not people who are capable of unconditional love just because you haven’t seen it yourself?
The weakness of the therapy professions lies in their inability for the most part (there are exceptions) to understand the difference between what is a part of the human condition that can be addressed by their expertise and what is a part of our spirit and soul which they cannot help with. Many in these fields think that every thought and feeling which occurs inside of us is something they can help with, something that, at some level, we may have control over.
Where this weakness really shows itself is with the term love. Love is the most overused word on the planet earth. Over 90% of people who use this word, use it incorrectly. Anyone that has a strong emotional attachment to another person calls this feeling love. It’s in all our songs, poems, novels, movies and greeting cards. And so the therapy community has come to regard love as an emotion which they can treat. This is reinforced by the fact that most of the time when they hear someone talking about love, it is really only a deep emotional attachment which they are able to help with.
I can’t change the world’s use of the word love at this point. But let’s be very clear about what is really going on. Love is a spiritual state. It is something that exist inside of us from inception and stays with us after our bodies pass on. It is our connection to the creator, our soul, our spiritual essence. We have absolutely zero control as humans over the state of love. It is not a psychological state.
For me to honestly address your questions, I needed to make this clear. At a spiritual level, we cannot feel like we are a victim. We do not see hurt or pain inflected on us as a crime that calls out for justice. That is because, in a state of true love, we do not judge other people…ever. If someone has acted in a terrible way toward us, that is about them, not about us. I may disapprove of their behavior and even be angry about their behavior, but I do not judge that person.
This is the way I am 100% of the time, not just in this one story from a point in my past. Those who are very close to me know me. I never judge other people. Even when people have done me wrong in a big way, I do not feel any ill will toward them. I have never experienced the feelings of revenge and justice…and some people have done some pretty bad things to me during my life.
If we question why we loved someone after they have done something to us, then we most likely never loved them to begin with. We had a deep emotional attachment to them which we labeled love. If you experience true love where the love inside of you, the spirit that you are, connects with the spirit of another, you would never, ever question that love. You might hate the other’s behavior but would never question the love.
Let’s bring this discussion back to the real world. Unconditional love is actually quite prevalent on the planet earth. You have witnessed it countless times and experienced it yourself. Most parents love their children unconditionally. Even if a child becomes an axe murderer, physically and emotionally abuses their parents, or turns out to be an embarrassing liar and cheat, their parents will still love them.
The parent may decide they no longer want that child in their life. They may never want to see that child again. But they will still love their child. Relationships are conditional. Whether we allow someone to be in our life or not can and is based on a long list of conditions that grow out of our emotions, upbringing, personality, values, desires, likes and so on. But most parents, regardless of what their children do, still love their children unconditionally. We can hate the behavior and still love the child.
This is not just about blood relations. Parents of step children and those they have adopted or fostered can also display unconditional love. Take the recent hit movie with Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side, which is based on a true story. That boy was not a blood relation and even came from an entirely different world than the woman who took him in. Yet, she loved him unconditionally and even risked her life confronting gang members with guns in the projects to help him.
While I have only shared one experience from my life in this story, this is not the only time where I have felt unconditional love for another and, as a result, acted in a way that would not be considered the norm. Unfortunately, I cannot share some of those experiences out of respect for others who would prefer these be kept private.
The real question here is not whether a person can unconditionally love another. The question is why is it not as prevalent in adult relationships? If a parent can unconditionally love a child that is not of their blood, why can’t adults act the same toward each other more often?
My personal experience with unconditional love which absolutely proved its existence seems to create doubt in many people. I understand this doubt. It is about them, not about me. It is about their experiences and observations and the conclusions they have drawn from them. My experience creates extreme discomfort in some people because either they accept what I did and then have to change their beliefs or cast doubt on what I did in order to hold onto their existing beliefs.
As humans, we are a jumble of human factors that make us imperfect in many ways. For many, our emotions can so overpower us that they block the love which exist inside of us. This is the same reason people can’t hear their inner voice of wisdom. Their desires, wants, likes, dislikes, emotions and ego overpower their inner voice. The source is the same. When we pay attention to the wise guidance of our inner voice which includes the love that has always been inside of us, we can and will respond to life’s experiences in a far different way than some people have and most people think we should.
Hope this helps,
Don
Dear Don,
I did not even realize you had answered my comments. This morning I wanted to share a beautiful album with you, through a FB member Sandor ? from another FB member…
I posted it to my profile, so you can have a look at it if you care to..it actually made me remember that your story of ‘true love’ is NOT so otherwordly, but very deeply embedded in the collective wisdom of our world culture and philosphy.
Remember the ‘murder of the Amish’ school children? And how they reached out to the perpetrator’s family, and practiced what they believe in ‘unconditional forgiveness’ according to Christ’s teaching.
That forgiveness NEVER made the headlines as do other stories of equal horror. And I wondered, “Why NOT?” is this something we collectively really don’t want to hear about?? And isn’t this ‘above and beyond the murders’ a really Great Story and example? I have always admired the Amish, and wld love to be a part of their culture..as if one could choose these things..
You are right, it speaks far more about me than about you..this reaction of “I don’t buy it!” But I kept thinking about what I wrote and felt ‘guilty’. From everything I know of you, I realize the last thing you wld be is “disingenuous” and you are not at all out of touch with your own feelings that you wld mistake “unconditional love” for a twisted love that used your own “nobleness” to inflict a particular kind of hell to the guilty party..Knowing the context and the layers of lives, streaming in and out of consciousness like streams that find underground channels only to reimerge with other streams that gain force and momentum as they flow back to the source, makes the story real and understandable… I didn’t really understand the poem, it took reading your comments to understand what you were talking about…
Now this story does expand my capacity to imagine bigger loves and lives than I had before..
And you are right about my reaction saying more about me than about your story.
Quite literally I was in some sense in the same role as your ex-wife. I was fairly happily married with three children, when I returned to Germany and spent time with a good friend in Berlin (someone I first met as a teenager – he had loved me from the time I was 14)…my daughter was with me on this trip..and we were about to leave for Brussels at midnight, when I found I was on the wrong train..So we went back to his place and in one night became became lovers..and my life changed forever..I had not even considered it a possibility prior to this night. (that was ’79). From that day on I was agonizingly tormented…with guilt, with longing..
In ’82 in a very conscious act of betrayal (and my first) he and I took 3 weeks to travel together to Scotland..under lies (on my part) to my husband.
It was probably the happiest 3 weeks of my life..and upon my return to the States, I was in a misery such as I had never experienced before. I simply could not leave my children ( a la Ingrid Bergman) and I cld not live without him.
We had a few more clandestine meetings..and I finally ended up confessing to my husband Dan. Outwardly he forgave me, and was relieved that I was not leaving..but beneath it all, things were brewing. Perhaps the worst betrayal is not the physical one, but the emotional one. He felt the absence of my love, I was not really ‘there’ for him..and while it dragged on for 7 more years (years in which I turned to alcohol and pills to fight my demons), had major depressions, the marriage ended. I blamed everyone, myself, Heinz, Dan, Fate, the damn trains,…
Even after the divorce I was not going to uproot my children, and life swept me along…and I ended up having my 4th daughter with a man I fell in love with (or lust)..into what’s turned into a nightmare relationship..
Always in the back of my mind, I thought maybe Heinz and I would have our time together when Saskia was grown…
It would have had a kind of symmetry..my going back to the place I was born..Berlin..like two bookends to my life. But fate intervened again and Heinz died on November 1, 2007. He never stopped writing me, sharing with me all the twists and turns of his life..he was a gifted writer, artist and lover of music and poetry..he headed a foundation for the exchange of art between Berlin and many cultures, especially China, Vietnam and revolutionary artists the world over. He was a son of Berlin – that divided city in a divided country, growing up the only child of a war widow (my mother’s close friend, which is how I met him in the first place). If ever there was an ‘unconditional love’ in my life it came from him to me…
There is no corner or all the rooms of my houses that I have lived in..that doesn’t have a trace of him…showered as I was with gifts, and things of beauty..all completely undeserved gifts from someone who loved me, for no other reason than that he loved me..
He never married, had no children…and to this day I do not know what to make of this torturous story..I know it caused my marriage to collapse, my children to go through great undeserved pain…
I have yet to find the meaning…As a way to mourn or exorcize I posted an album and created tribute to him on of all things FB.
I have not even forgiven myself for the betrayal..made perhaps even more powerful because Dan (my husband) was Jewish…
So from these murky waters of my own past, perhaps I was lashing out against your betraying wife, as a substitute for myself…I wronged someone who really loved me, and was a wonderful husband and father. In some ways I wronged Heinz too..and my children.
What makes these loves so agonizing is that they are not just personal choices, they pull so many other lives into their wake.
I think that’s all for this morning…
How do you open so many wounds?? Perhaps it is because you listen, and are non-judgmental, and really deeply listen. “What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.” form “The Little Prince” by St. Exupery.
The culture being the desert, and you being that Well, that is so rare and so needed.
I truly believe you have opened up many hearts almost like a sacred confessional.
Ruth Besser
Don – I agree with your analysis for so many reasons. I try to imagine a world without unconditional love. This is a world that none of us would be very interested in inhabiting, really. Unconditional love carries our hope for a future, our connection with that which is larger than ourselves (whatever we conceive that to be), and begets our current personal inner peace. Without unconditional love as a concept and a practice, the hurts we humans inflict upon one another either blindly and ignorantly or from other place of wounding, would destroy the fabric of humanity. The power inherent in this kind of love is at least a start, if not all we really need to know about how to heal our hearts, our families, our communities, our countries, our planet and beyond. Bless you for this work you are doing!
Don – There are many of us who have come to an intimate knowledge of unconditional love in much the same way that you did. In my own case, I am now some 28 years down the road from the initial events that were the genesis of my search for some way to make meaning of what to do when one’s heart is broken. My husband and I had children together and it soon became apparent to me that I had to find some way of making peace within my own heart because I could see that we were inextricably bound to one another for life, even though we were no longer married. And, of course, I also began to discover that my anger and pain was only hurting me. This made the search for some way to integrate the experiences and come away with love rather than bitterness feel essential.
The path to that peace has held many stones (often more like boulders actually), steep and treacherous inclines, wild downhill runaways, poison ivy, and all manner of wild beasts (often masquerading as friendly faces). I wish I could tell you that I was able to face each obstacle with grace, but the truth is that I often chaffed, cried, screamed at the Universe, lamented and felt unbearably sorry for myself. I also opened and found blessings and continued to dive into the river of love.
As I continued to try to mend my heart, mend my life I sought out numerous teachings, read all of the spiritual things I could find, every self-help book on the planet, talked about it interminably and listened to the stories of others. I admit, not proudly, that I also sought refuge through all manner of external anesthetic, including other willing arms.
After coming upon the idea of unconditional love, really opening to it, and embracing forgiveness I thought that I should be able to perfect that love in my heart and that it would eliminate anything that was not unconditional love from my heart and my thoughts. So, when I would find myself angry or bitter or in pain, I would pull out the cat o’ nine tails and beat myself senseless. The spiral into depression and self-flagellation nearly took my life more times than I would care to mention.
Along this journey, I should mention that I had several forays into the belly of love again, each time coming back feeling wounded and wondering why enough love was not able to heal everything. I wish I could tell you that there has been a happy ending and that I found and am now living with the “love of my life”. This has not been the case.
What I can tell you is that the most precious gift in all of the little forks in the road has been learning to let a wounding of the heart open a deeper space for love. I have learned to soften and open and find so blessed much joy in so many other aspects of my life, and I have come to peace with my solitude and communion with friends. I continue to learn to notice and release all that is not pure love. I continue to learn forgiveness of myself and others as we make our way through whatever is around the next bend.
I also continue to be curious about how I form my life and it forms me, what it is that attracts or repels me and why, what “stories” about my life that still, it seems, hold me hostage at times. I continue to have more questions than answers, and I am at peace with that.
I have recently become enamored and resonated with the writing of Elizabeth Gilbert (“Eat, Pray, Love” and “Committed”. I recommend both works.
Bless us all as we walk on… J
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~ Mary Oliver
Joan,
Thank you for sharing from your heart as well as the poem. Each of our paths through life is unique. You chose to take a journey to discover a path to unconditional love. While this clearly was not an easy journey for you, somehow you persevered and now have opened up to what has been inside of you all along. As you continue this adventure, you will discover more and more about who you really are…that which existed in you at the moment of conception.
Blessings,
Don
What a beautiful and heartwarming story. A great reminder that love in its purest form can move mountains and help us overcome great challenges. I have added this story to my FB page.
Thank you for sharing it so honestly!
Eliz
I do understand what you are talking about Don. It already happened to me. I loved someone who left me and hurt me terribly. We used to call each other’s ‘Soulmate’. I must say that I got really affected by what happened between us. There was a point that I can’t really recognized myself anymore. It felt like, I’m a plant and he is the vital nourishment that I need to survive. But he left me, so I felt something that I thought is worst than anything else. But despite that, i still love him. It’s almost four years since then but i can still feel the love. Whenever I see him, I only feel the love going more stronger. That’s why I would rather not see him. How can I explain it? He is my greatest strenght yet my greatest weakness. The thought of him and the energy of love within me keep me going in life. I’m terribly afraid of the saying “True love never dies” for how can i be happy if the one i love is not on my side. But then, when i searched the answer inside me, i know i’m happy for simply feeling the energy of love inside me. I don’t know how it happened. Very strange indeed. I have to force myself to think that it is like this because I’m still young. And my friends keep telling me that I should move on. Yes, I often tell them that I already moved on. not because I want to, but it is the thing that they want to hear from me. I am supposed to move on. Find another man who can replace him. But I just can’t go on in a day without thinking of him. It’s my source of strenght. It’s something that no other man, even my family and friends, can give. The thing is, I don’t have any communication with him! But the love keeps on burning. And, i agree with you. Love is more of an energy…energy that nourish my soul. It gives meaning to my existence. It is because of love that I struggle to grow and become better each day. Though we can’t be together, I’m often wondering how he is doing and hoping that he is find. And though I’m always saying that someday I will find somebody to replace him, I secretly hope that he will come back to me someday. I know these love will last, for how long I don’t know. But time will prove if it’s really True Love that i have for him.
And, I somehow have the feeling that your soul is tune in to my soul. Maybe because we are listening to the same “voice”. Maybe because we have the same experience. I don’t know. But, yes, I’m too young to tell that. It’s too early to make a conclusion. There’s a lot more to learn.
Thankyou for sharing, it was an incredible read. I’m glad your inner voice shined thru in your time of need and you listened. Your story has given me much to think about.
During my childhood my siblings and I suffered thru constant abuse (in all forms) from our mother. This caused me to carry shame, guilt and sadness through to my adult life and even tho I have sought counselling for it – none could get me past the feeling that my mother never loved me. I’ve always looked at her actions and the pain I experienced from them, but maybe she did in fact love me unconditionally. I know I have always loved her.
As ironic as it is I married a man that was also abusive. We were married for 17 yrs and had 4 children together. I can’t say I ever felt strong feelings for my husband, but I did have a strong feeling that it was where I was meant to be at that stage of my life. People would offer to help me to leave, or ask me why I stay and could never understand when I would try to explain. At the end of our marriage I spent 15 months ensuring he saw our children and developed relationships with them. I can’t say I wish him well, but I don’t wish him a terrible life either.
18 months ago I met a man and began dating him. He is the father of my 6 month old baby. As soon as I met this man I was connected with him. I don’t mean I felt love for him, it was much deeper than that. It was like a feeling of “coming home” as tho my inner voice knew his and had talked often. It’s hard to describe in words but it was as tho we had been together in another life. Our human time together was short with our relationship ending when I fell pregnant. He soon entered another relationship and is very happy. I suffered alot of pain from his actions but I still care for him deeply and wish him the best life has to offer. It’s very hard for people to understand how I can wish him well and many have told me I have totally lost my mind. I think that whilst we aren’t meant to be together in our lifetime our souls are still connected.
I have to look much further but my understanding after reading your story is that my mother may have loved me unconditionally, I love my mother unconditionally, I didn’t love my husband but we were supposed to spend those years together and I love my baby’s father unconditionally.
xxx
Dawn,
Thank you for sharing this. You understand it and have personally experienced it. The connection you had with the father of your recent child is a love connection…a connection at the spiritual level. You are not crazy to feel the way you feel. That is the power of love speaking. Most people have trouble separating human emotional attraction and bonding with love. We may not be compatible with someone on the human level and so a relationship ends. This will create pain and hurt because the emotional connection has been broken. But that has nothing to do with love.
There are some people who simply do not understand this and flat out disagree with me. They will say that they loved someone but after what this person did to them, they can’t love them anymore or wish them well. So they say I’m wrong about love. The truth is that they do not understand the difference between love and human emotional attachment.
That’s because when we are emotionally attached to someone, we say we love them. The word love is the most overused word in the English language. There are many relationships that involve deep emotional attachments where no actual love exist. Saying it does not make it so.
There is one and only one test of true love…of the existence of an actual love connection between two people. We must accept the other person unconditionally no matter what they do nor how much pain and hurt they may cause us. If we still love them in spite of that though we may not want them in our life, then we loved them. If our love is conditional based on what the other person does or does not do, then this was never love to begin with…only a deep emotional attachment. For it to be love, it must be unconditional.
I felt the hurt within your words, I myself was your ex-wife. I held on to my one and only for 13 years after a back break up. I could not move on or allow myself to love anyone unconditionally because he held the key to my heart. I decided to search for him a year and a half ago to realise he had never let me go as well. We are now engaged and getting married this year. The power of LOVE, especially being the one you gave you heart & soul to is unbreakable know matter where life leads you. I always found myself thinking of him and wondering how he was. I had told many of my friends that I still loved him and could not let him go. No one understood but I did and new that what we had was spiritual and we could feel each other throughout the years even being apart. I was blessed and I am extremelly thankful for a second chance at true love and being with the man that has ever captured my HEART. You will cross path with that connection if you have not already, and you will understand in time what true love is. No one can break that electrifying bound between two people, as they say if its meant to be it will be back but remain “FOREVER”.
Ginette,
Your story gave me comfort . I have lost someone I loved deeply, he moved on to someone else. I was not confident enough to pursue as was needed.
I was happy to read that u had a second chance, I hope with all my heart that I may have a second chance as you did- jill
Thanks alot buddy, trully you have put me into another world of thinking what true love is. Uncondtional love is the genesis of all betterments in life.
People should understsnd that, true love can bring faith, wealth, happiness and joy never viseversa
I never thought I would read a blogpost as heartwarming as this.. I came to this site out of luck and I guess it was really meant.. I was meant to read this post to help me clear up the clouds that hinder me to see the things I must realize…
I’m only 22, and I can say I do loved unconditionally..
Like you, Don, I experienced an emotional separation but I know I will never let go of this “True Love”…no. never. I know it will stay forever…
He left me with lame excuses, but I just found myself forgiving and understanding him… I just wished him his happiness and is still praying for him to make and live his life to the fullest… I hold no bitterness, I’m more willing to see him happy—even without me, for I know and I swear it will make me happy,too…
I just want him to be happy, even if I’m no longer part of his life now.. I know I will always be in love with him. and even though he’s with someone elsenow, I pray that he find the sweetest things in life…
It doesn’t matter to me if I will be inlove or be loved by someone else. The person doesn’t matter to me, but it’s the “soulful connection thru love”, something that completes me spiritually, that matters..
So if I’ll be inlove with someone else again, I know, I will do it unconditionally again…
I’m not afraid to get hurt. That’s one thing I can say that can prove my unconditional love…
All I know is that, “it doesn’t matter if you get fooled, or be hurt…what matters is that you loved at all and you never judged the person by his faults or by any chance thru earthly measures.. Love is Divine. It is pure. It is not to be mistaken with infatuation or emotional interdependency. Love is a connection of soul…that even separated or fell apart, it still grows..it never fades, it never dies…Love is immeasureable… It’s beyond any words can imagine or define…”
—thank you for this post.
I know some may find it crazy for me to still love him despite of what he did, but to me it’s really nothing…it’s fine…it’s not the sense of “martyr-type”, maybe it’s the feeling that I am fulfilled within me, knowing that he’s happy and making another person happy ,too..
Its really great about your story,your love is really unconstitutional, May All your dreams and wishes come True. God Bless You.. You also inspired me, your words are awesome “All I know is that, “it doesn’t matter if you get fooled, or be hurt…what matters is that you loved at all and you never judged the person by his faults or by any chance thru earthly measures.. Love is Divine. It is pure. It is not to be mistaken with infatuation or emotional interdependency. Love is a connection of soul…that even separated or fell apart, it still grows..it never fades, it never dies…Love is immeasureable… It’s beyond any words can imagine or define…”
Thank you for this.. God bless you.
Thank you for this post Kelly, really your story inspired me, and Thank you for this inspiration. Really your words are awesome All I know is that, “it doesn’t matter if you get fooled, or be hurt…what matters is that you loved at all and you never judged the person by his faults or by any chance thru earthly measures.. Love is Divine. It is pure. It is not to be mistaken with infatuation or emotional interdependency. Love is a connection of soul…that even separated or fell apart, it still grows..it never fades, it never dies…Love is immeasureable… It’s beyond any words can imagine or define…”
Thank You for this beautiful Words.. May all your dreams and wishes come true, God Bless you..
I understand every bit of what you have written.
I am 30 years old and Single.
I am in love with my best friend. She knows that well, because I told her without any expectations. We spent good time, still she doesn’t feel same way for me (she told me but I feel care, love when we are together) and going to marry some guy of her parents choice soon (we can’t be together because of different caste). She loves her parents much and I feel, she is compromising a lot for their happiness. So, I am not forcing her for anything. I am little sad inside because of letting her go, but still respect her decision and happy for her. She knows I am sad and tries her best so that I can overcome.
We see each other everyday as we work at same place. So, it’s hard for me to forget her and I don’t want to. Its really hard but I am waiting until she get married. She is nice to me and I can’t ignore her. All I need is time.
I have accepted reality that, she won’t be with me forever and going to marry someone else, though she knows I love her from bottom of my heart. I can’t stop loving her and wants to see her happy.
this is really inspiring, I am on my early 20’s and to a young lady like me, this seems ridiculous at first but as I go along with the whole story I admire you for being strong and brave to truly face the music of your life in spite of the fact that you have been left behind by someone you love.
Thanks for sharing. This such an eye opening for a young like me.
I understand that not all people have nor had this kind of love…but it is God’s given love. Just like me…i love my fiance so much even if he always hurt me physically and emotionally. I understand that every situation in our life there is a solution. And with God’s grace and mercy. Unconditional love never ever end. Even if it hurts, at the end there’s light beyond darkness…rather there is joy after pain.
Very well said. Thank you for adding your insights.
Indeed, Very nicely put friend
i just got the words to the emotion i was feeling deep inside. Now i can say that i am proud to have the ability to love unconditionally (and not one sidedly)
hope there is a spiritual connect with her or she just got to know someday that she have been loved by the guy (whose proposal she rejected) like thereis no tomorrow
Wonderful attitude! It’s not easy to love unconditionally but it does free our souls to be available for love.
I am very happy to see this blog, I myself have been a student of unconditional love for 12 years also triggered by a deep sense of my heart breaking from my wife leaving me for another man. I have peeled back the layers of fear to find what was left of me , this is where I discovered un conditional love . I discovered my essence is unconditional love and this is where I can connect with what we call LIFE. I find my life is a journey where I crossed a bridge from one reality which would be duality to another reality to which everything flows from a singular source which is me , unconditional love. I also see the magic when one experiences life with the love flowing from with in then it returns back in wave form and the trick is to allow this love to flow back into me……… no matter what it is……….. everything is love, this is the most amazing journey , I am at a loss for words as I drift into this beauty……..so I will leave with a smile and thank you for writing your experiences again
Thank you for sharing this Steven. When we discover that we are love, it changes everything. May the light of the universe always guide you to a better place.
I had through quite similar situation as you. my girlfriend cheated on me just few days after we are in relationship. at first, I let her go, trying to apply “if you love her, you thinking for her best, even if it’s not with you”. but then I realize that it wasn’t the best thing for her, even though she likes it.
point one, she admit she still love me and just flirting around that guy (although she only flirt that guy, which is makes me think that he was special).
point two, if she goes like this, she will never know the value of love and she might get worse one day.
point three, I still love her and I don’t deserve this
point four, that guy is not a good guy and actually a whimper.
point five, me and my girlfriend haven’t know each others well we might lost what we could be.
point six, our friends encourage us to reunited
so, when she began to fall in love with the other guy, I ask her to return. it was hard, she kept rejecting me. but somehow I believe that she still love me, despite the words come out of her mouth. I kept approaching her, and finally she agree to spend a whole day together. at first, it was a day to separate, we won’t talk, no calls, no text and facebook blocking after that day.
but as the sun goes down, we realize that we are meant to be together. she kept saying “what’s our resolution after this?”. sign for me that this is the right choice. I get her back, and she tried to forget that guy. and each day we gets better.
she cheated on me because I didn’t attract her physically, that’s why she get attracted to the other guy physically, there’s only lust between them. after we decided to reunited, she begin to accept me as I am. I’m not going against you, but this is what I believe as unconditional love; accepting your partner as they are.
I know this is an old topic, but it definitely was (and is) a very powerful story/background that I do admire. I have gone through similar experiences, but never to the degree that you have outlined.
So that the purpose of my comment can be understood a bit more – I wanted to start out by stating that my opinion of “Unconditional Love” is something that I truly would like to exist – either spiritually or logically. I believe it is an admirable feat and something that can better yourself as a person.
My main purpose of this comment is different – unconditional love, in itself, means that there are no conditions put on your love. It is defined as that – and even if the definition needs to be changed, it’s that meaning in our language that must be conveyed or corrected.
So – from what I read of your post (and the subsequent comments) – the love that you expressed should not be classified as “unconditional love” as there was a condition that you had defined:
“I still wanted her to be happy. I still cared about her. If she would be more happy with someone else rather than me, that was her choice. I realized at that moment that if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, you want the best for them even if that means not being with you.”
Your condition was “happiness” – you transferred your love from something that wasn’t even consciously considered during your relationship – it became an absolute (we all do this – even if we say “I love you”, there becomes an expectation that it is forever and whatever you do will be accepted) – but the moment that you had to think about it, it became something that did have conditions with it – thought itself turns something from an unknown/unconditional state to something that is then examined and put into a definition. Your definition was happiness for your partner.
I do not know if I am right and/or if there is technically a right/wrong – my belief differs from logic, but I felt that someone should at least point out the fact that it seems that there are conditions on the love you conveyed.
Food for thought…
Hi Morphy,
I’m sorry I did not respond to this much earlier. There has been so much going on in my life. You raise some very interesting points and have clearly displayed talent in the use of logic and analysis. I do appreciate this.
My wanting someone to be happy is not a condition I place on them. It is to say that whatever they want and wherever they go, I will still love them regardless of anything they do or say. So even if they choose to be unhappy, I would still love them. What actually occurs with them in no way affects my love so there are no conditions under which I would grant or withhold this love.
This is the key to understanding what is meant by unconditional. We place no conditions on our feelings of love for another. If they want to be an axe murderer, we still love them. If they want to lie and cheat, we still love them. If they want to become an alcoholic, we still love them. If they find happiness with another, we still love them. It is the absence of any conditions under which we would no longer feel love for them.
Conditions mean that we will only love someone under certain circumstances. They must love us. They must do what we want. They must be happy. They must not make us unhappy. They must not love another. They must take out the trash every week. When we impose any conditions on our love, then we do not love that person. We may feel strong emotionally attachment or ego attachment or something but it is not love.
Is happiness a condition in life. Yes, if we are using the word to describe how someone may be or what we may want for ourselves. This is not the same as the concept of unconditional. We have to be careful here not to over analyze unconditional love. It is not something that can really be analyzed at all in spite of all I have written about it. I am merely trying to help people understand what the state of pure love means and hope they will want to evolve spiritually to attain this state.
From my experience, very few people actually understand unconditional love because it is not something that can be intellectually understood…ever. It defies all analysis, reason and logic. It defies everything we know from our life experiences except for how most of us our concerning our children.
We seem to have great difficulty taking our feelings about our children and realizing that we can feel the same way about another adult who is not a blood relative. I am not sure why this is the case but it appears to be so.
Unconditional love is not an emotion. It is not about the human side of us through our brain and nervous system. At the core, we are spirit, we are a soul, we are pure love. Our soul simply loves. Nothing else exist. Nothing. Just pure love. This is what unconditional love is. When we are able to align with our soul and allow our soul to guide us instead of our human ego, we can enter a state of unconditional love.
I have been continually tested throughout my life with situations where someone I dearly loved made a decision to do something that I didn’t want or like. In some cases, that decision was to not remain in a relationship with me. Each of these tested me to the extreme. They are never easy, never simple and never without a lot of pain, suffering and sadness. What I personally learned from all these experiences that the Creator kept throwing at me is that I do exist in a state of unconditional pure love all the time. No matter what anyone does to me or says to me, I will still love them and want the best for them even if I don’t like their choices. That is the one and only test of unconditional love. It can’t be analyzed. It simply exist.
Thank you for making me feel better. 🙂
I was feeling like to talk someone and then I read this.
It’s amazng how reading just a single page on a website can change your outlook on life. I just as Pankaj said, it made me feel a bit better. Thank you for the wonder article.
A very interesting post.
It is my modest believe that the soul of all of us is seeking to remember itself. In that rememory, that is often hard to hear because of the noise of the world, we are whole, healthy, and completely perfect. In that rememory we love unconditionally because we understand that we are at the core spiritual beings having a human experience, trying to reveal our spiritual selves. Sounds confusing, no doubt, however, it makes life more lively and creates a depth of connection that is indisputable…when we allow it. When we allow unconditional love we tap into to the God that is our spirit. This site meant a lot to me tonight. Thank you.
Erica,
This is very well said and not confusing at all. We are born with love and it is inside of us throughout our life and beyond because love is a spiritual state, not an emotion. It is always there, always a part of us. When we experience true unconditional love with another, the love that is within us connects with the love that is within someone else. That is a spiritual connection which has nothing to do with whether we get along on a human level. Yes, it is remembering and connecting with the spiritual being that we are which allows us to experience the true power and meaning of love.
Hello.
I read your story about unconditional love. I want to share some thoughts with you. People often find unconditional love when they are betrayed or suffer. Then they raise themselves to the level they don’t feel pain, they feel love. I was thinking about the love when someone is doing something what is good for the other. Don, there is a question – if your wife would have asked you to let her go, would you let her marry another man? Or if you knew your wife loves another man and she is not divorcing you only because she cares for you, would your unconditional love make you do something about it? Unconditional love is fine, but I think the sacrifying love is also good.
Hi Alisha,
Thank you for sharing these insights. The sacrificing you talk about is unconditional love. They are one in the same. If you love someone, you want them to be happy whether they decide to be with you or not. If they would rather be with another, you let them go. The love remains. If they are not doing what is in their heart to not hurt you, you let them go, push them out the door and wish them well. To do anything else would not be unconditional. Unconditional means no strings attached. So unconditional love means letting go and sacrificing because you love another.
Let’s revisit what love is. Love is a spiritual state, not an emotion. We are born with love, it remains inside of us all our life and will be there after we pass on. As humans, we can lose our connection to this love and let our emotions, ego, desires and more cause us to do things that are contrary to the love that is within us. When we allow our life to be always guided by this love, our human elements cannot push it aside or deny its power.
When the love that is within you connects with the love that is another person, what results is true unconditional love. This has nothing to do with what happens on the human plain. Whether we want to spend time with someone or not, whether we want to be married to them or not, whether we can even stand being around them or not, all have nothing to do with this love. The love remains while, as humans, we may discover that we shouldn’t be together. It doesn’t matter whether one person makes that choice or both of them make the choice. That choice is still a human choice based on human issues and has nothing to do with this love.
If we truly love, we will always love that person regardless of what they do or what they want.
Hello again.
Thank you for your answer. I asked what you would do about your wife, but I actually was thinking about my son. I love him the love that makes me always think about what is better for him. Not only that. It makes me do many things, get up early in the morning, prepare good food, think of the better ways how to teach him to read and so on. I think I would call it sacrifying love. I think it’s not enough to want good for the one whom you love. When you love someone, it makes you DO big and good things for the sake of the one whom you love. That’s what I wanted to say. I was thinking about my husband too, how love makes me to try to know him better so I could be a better friend and do something good for him. So these are my thoughts about love. 🙂
I dont want to fall in love.. it seems very hurt..
Wow! Congratulations to you and the state of your heart!. Your story gave me hope that there are others out there who love unconditionally!
Wouldnt the world be a better place if we all strove to love unconditionally. It is that conditioning that seperates us. I was sitting here this morning asking the same question. I loved a man deeply some long years ago, I still love him… he left to marry another, but to this day, I love him, iv never hated him… love and hate can not live together, we can not have both in our hearts. I am so grateful that my heart is filled with love, true love…. it seems that we have to go through a painful experience for us to identify it in ourselves.
Just this morning, I presented this exact case to my sister in law, my brother left her for another woman, all she wants is for him to be unhappy, that would make her happy! Just today, he has been diagnosed with lung cancer…. she said he deserves it! How can say you have loved someone for 30 years and then because they didnt do what pleased you… hate them and wish them harm!.
Anyway, I want to say, I love you because you Love. May God bless your life abundantly.
Kind Regards Lyndal
Thank you so much for sharing this Lyndal. You have experienced true unconditional love. You are right that it is not possible to both love and hate. Your sister is angry about what happened and has forgotten about the love they had. You can’t turn love off simply because someone does something you don’t like no matter how much it hurts you. To wish someone else ill can bring ill to ourselves. The energy we send out into the world is the energy the world sends back to us.
Blessings,
Don
Acceptance was difficult for me to realize that’s it’s all over. Thru the years after the breakup. I’ve searched, consulted, confided, cried, laughed with family, friends, priest’s, spiritualists, books to find real meaning on love or to get her back. I had this brief relationship I had with this lady. Which changed My life. To my realization, you can not rationalize love, put it on the side, force it, convince someone . I felt all the emotional suffering, insecurity, self-centeredness which almost drove me crazy.
But I held on, to myself only to realize you are the only one who can help yourself. Which brought about clarity in small steps. This clarity was that I was in love with her unconditionally. She’s close to me yet far to be reached. No matter how it hurts not to the point of begging and not loosing my dignity, I still love her dearly . For the past several months of communicating with her slowly. It seems like a plateau.
One liner conversations & texts is all what I get. But again I still love her, I felt before all the connection with us. I’ve tried several times to cut this off for good to move on. But I can’t, just to make her happy,
Or smile on a bad day is good enough for me without getting anything back. Martyrdom or chivalry orJust Being stupidly blind. And I ask myself “ why just now” im 45 yrs old. But above all this craziness and emotional pain, she brought out the best in me which didn’t happen overnight. Slowly I’m a calmer and a more understanding person. I guess this is what I call real love. No pain no gain.. And im still hoping and praying everyday, that maybe someday or the next lifetime will be together again.
Thank you all , for being human and imperfect.
Hi Blue,
I’m sorry for not responding to your honest and inspiring post sooner. Yes, I’ve been going through some more forks myself. I may write about all this but it doesn’t make me immune from living life like everyone else.
I have been through a similar type of experience in other relationships. Once we shift our perspective and direction, we open ourselves up to learning things that can make us a better person and move closer to who we really are.
I believe that nothing happens by chance. There are no coincidences in life. The relationship you describe was not a loss or a waste of time. It was supposed to happen. You were supposed to go through what you did. And now you are beginning to realize the gifts this has brought you. This may be the real reason for the connection. No, this does not remove the feelings you have. It does free you in many ways.
It may be that this relationship and the love you feel concerning her has been placed in your life journey to prepare you for the one you are supposed to be with. Right now, you may not realize this and hope for a reconnection either on earth or later. We simply do not know what is supposed to happen. So remaining in a state of unconditional love and being open for whatever is meant to happen can make a huge difference.
You are a better man then you were. You have grown immensely and continue to grow. There may be a woman out there who is looking for the “new” you. You may be surprised to discover that there could actually be a love waiting for you that is even grander and more powerful than what you have felt.
Unconditional love is based on a state of pure love which is who we really are at our core. When we finally find this core, it changes everything for us. It means that you will unconditionally love everyone you feel love for whether it is a platonic friend, family member or lover. You are not limited to having this feeling with one person because it is not about your connection to one person. It is about who you really are. Once you love unconditionally, it applies to everyone you love.
I agree with you totally.,because i also have experienced the same issue.
How did you cope up? Can you share your story
I truly believe and related. Brought tears to my eyes. While reading this I was playing “let her go” by PASSENGER :’-(
I truly believe and related. Brought tears to my eyes. While reading this I was playing “let her go” by PASSENGER :’-(
Hi,
Very truly sad…I Love someone just the same way….and I pray for her health and happiness everyday…
I would just add one thing to you..if you agree..
When you love someone truly you want the time to stop at the time when they leave you…so that when they return back to your life someday…you begin your life from that moment as if nothing happened in life…as if you never grew old and the years have never passed..
if you moved on in life then you never loved truly…
Ebrahim
I appreciate your sharing your feelings about true love. Yes, you can truly, deeply love someone and move on with your life to another that you may also truly, deeply love. To say that if you moved on with your life, you didn’t truly love is not the way love works. What you are describing is an excessive, dependent need for someone that is so extreme you can’t love another. This is dependency, not true love.
Unconditional love means exactly what it says. You love someone without any conditions whatsoever. That is the only true form of love. It doesn’t matter what the other person does. It does matter if they stay with you or go with another. It doesn’t matter if they ever come back or not. Nothing, but nothing, changes this love. At the same time, unconditional also means you give the one you love the freedom to pursue that which makes them happy even if it is with someone else. You don’t sit there and wait for them to return while remaining unhappy and forcing yourself not to fall in love with another. That is not unconditional love…it is childish dependency.
If someone you deeply loved does not want to be with you anymore and prefers another, you have to move past the pain and hurt of this initial moment and rejoice that they have found happiness. If you are not happy that the one you loved is happy elsewhere, then you didn’t really love them, you just had an emotional need for them. True love means being happy for the one you loved through all of time regardless of what they do and who they do it with. If you don’t feel that happiness, then you didn’t really love them. If your form of love requires the condition that they must return to you someday, you really didn’t love them.
Love is a spiritual state, not an emotion. At the spiritual level, we are capable of loving many, not just one. There is no such thing as only loving one soul throughout eternity. You may have true, unconditional love for hundreds of souls during the passages of millenniums and more. Unconditional love is freedom, not a prison. The Creator did not place any limitations whatsoever on our capacity to love. We are Love. We are born in love and love is the essence of who we are. That love is not dependent on a single person or soul. It is within us all the time. It is who we are and will always be.
Hi
Three years ago my husband had a massive brake down and as im particially blind in both eyes due to retinitis pigmentosia.
My husband left our marriage for another woman but continued to live with me for another three more years.
Although i still loved that man from the bottom of my heart it was and is a challenging and stressful place to be in at times.
This situation has taught me so much about my inner self its shown me my strength that i have in myself plus iv learnt so much at a deeper level.
To live with your partner while there telling someone else in front of you that they love them thats hard
The purpose i stayed there was its taught me
Hi Cindy,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner but I’ve been going through my own forks lately!
When we come from pure love, we love regardless. Your situation has been an extreme test for you and has shown you your capacity to love unconditionally, That, of course, does not wipe away the hurt and pain. It does wipe away feelings of anger and revenge and such which are conditional and do not come from love.
You are very wise to understand that this situation has been placed in your life so you can learn things. You are a better person because of the experiences you have been through.
Unconditional love is not limited to one person. It is about who we really are at the core. We are pure love. That is the love from our soul. Once you have arrived at a state where you can love unconditionally, then everyone you feel love for will be unconditional. That means you could fall in love with another while still feeling unconditional love for the man you are currently with. Unconditional love frees you to love and frees you to become all you were meant to be.
thank you for your story … it has made me accept myself … thank you very much
I’m glad that this has been helpful to you. Remember, you are love and have always been love. Love is at the core of your being. When you accept yourself, you are accepting the love that is who you are and how you were created. When we love unconditionally, we are simply acting as the Creator intended by being an extension of the Creator here on earth. When someone places conditions on their love for others, they have lost their connection to their soul and the Creator. Blessings.
Dear Don,
It was heart warming to read your post and also life affirming.
I fell deeply in love with a girl from my class. We were very close buddies , we still are.
But she did not feel the same way about me. I couldn’t accept it and it was very difficult to be around her and we had to keep meeting since we where lab partners.
I struggled for months to get over this. I tried everything reading books, to alcohol. But nothing helped. I did not bother her but I was still emotionally attached to her. I felt I had to receive something for what I did for her and it pissed me off that you can love someone so much, while the other cannot even recognise it.
But I dont know how. Suddenly it dawned on me ,I was clearly facing the wrong direction. If one expects something in return for everything , it is not love anymore but business.
I realized I suffered because of my ignorance and my imperfect love, not because of her. I expressed evry single emotion I had for her. It was difficult to be so emotionally naked before her. It was scary. But I had to do it, so that my ego, my desires and attachment could be buried. Only then did I start truly loving her.
Now I had no agenda, I did not exepect anything and for the first time I truly loved someone. I deeply care for her to this day and pray for her happiness and that she find someone amazing, who will keep her like a queen.
Now, also I able to love everyone and be more compassionate to everyones struggles
and suffering. I have become tender and very loving to all. I truly fell one with all of creation and I can proudly say I love all and everyone loves me.
It took some time to realize that there was never a time when I was not loved and never be a time, when I will not be loved. The whole universe is one singular field of love and we are part of this field. But our tiny ego, desires and attachement, delude us into thinking we are limited, imperfect. In reality, we are limitless, free souls worthy of the greatest joy and peace.
While I am not perfect today, I can say that my love is pure and fulfilling and need nothing more to be happy.
May my friend , my beloved who transformed me so much, be happy wherever she is , whatever she does. The transformation was not easy, i failed so many time and I keep learning but I am glad where I am today.
Let all beings be happy , blissfula and peaceful.
Dear Thanga,
Thank you for sharing this story of love and personal growth. I couldn’t have written this any better myself. You have captured the essence of what unconditional love and how it blesses our life.
Pure love is who we really are at our core. So much that occurs through our emotions, ego and more can blind us to this core and twist it all around. Once we discover our capacity to love without expecting anything in return, everyone we love be it a platonic friend, family member or lover will be loved unconditionally.
Unconditional love is not limited to one person. It isn’t about the other person. It’s about us. We can love more than one person during our life. We can love each of them unconditionally. How long those relationships last depend on a very complex configuration of human characteristics and imperfections that need to align in a certain way.
Each relationship that is based on unconditional love offers us a an opportunity to grow and become more than we were. There are no coincidences in life. Each relationship exist to teach us something so we become a better person. That can only happen when we love unconditionally. Otherwise, our ego and emotions cause us to reject the lessons and put the blame elsewhere. As we learn and grow, we become a better person and are now attractive to someone else’s love that would not have been attracted to us before.
So beautiful, sincerely I have been blessed by your words, thank you.
Thank you for confirming my belief that it is possible to experience true love and not be with the object of your affection. Unconditional love is such a dynamic part of our lives.I shared your story because I believe it’s very important that others like myself understand we are not alone in our thinking. God has granted us the ability to love unconditionally and I cherish that gift. A few days ago I was discussing this very subject with a few friends and happened to find your story tonight. Thank you for sharing and be blessed.
Thank you Yvonne. We are love, pure love, and that is all that we are. When we discover how God has blessed us, it changes everything about how we live our lives. Relationships may not work out for a 1000 different reasons big and small. For two separate, unique individuals to get on the same wave length and get their two lives in sync with each other is no easy feat. So relationships can come to end for a lot of humanly reasons. If we remain in the state of unconditional love that is at the core of who we really are instead of being overwhelmed by our emotions and ego, we can go through the uncoupling in a friendly and loving way. That doesn’t always mean it will be smooth but there is really no reason for severe anger, resentment, vindictiveness and other feelings that so often crop up at the end of a relationship. Unconditional love is the answer and that answer is already inside of all of us if we will just find it.
There is no such thing as what most people, particularly female, would call love. It is a concept developed to legitimize lust and true selfishness, and is a form of intense infatuation only.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I respect your right to express this opinion and have always been gracious to allow different points of views.
The reality is far different. The problem with the word love is not what love really is but rather how our culture has overused the word and allowed it be interpreted in ways different than it is truly is. The mere fact that people may not use the word correctly, understand what it is or even, in their own human frailty, use it to justify something of a selfish or lustful nature in no way is an indictment of the concept of love itself.
This is more about most humans simply not understanding what love is and not being in touch with who they really are. Your comment speaks more to what you have observed in people, maybe many people, than it speaks to the true meaning of love. The only way to truly know love is to experience love in its true splendor and majesty. Remember, I’m a man speaking here, not a woman, and I discovered the difference between love, emotional attachment, attraction and lust many decades ago. I am aware that not everyone understands this or uses the word correctly based on what it really is.
Love is not an emotion. Love is not emotional attachment. Love is not lust. Love is not a about human frailty and weakness. It is exactly the opposite. True unconditional love, which is the only love that is actually love, is who we are at the core of our existence. It is our soul, our spirit, our essence, our connection to the Creator. We are for all intensive purposes simply love and nothing else but love. We are pure love.
That is who I am and how I live my life. It is how I deal with every human being I met, not just women I am romantically involved with. It is all that I am. Those who know me in person will attest to the truth of this though some of them think I’m an alien because I never judge people and accept everyone unconditionally.
And so, how can we know if someone is coming from love and not lust, selfishness or something else? Simply, is there love unconditional in all ways? If there is anything conditional about what they are expressing, it is not love. What you have observed that has led to your conclusions about love was not the expression of love at all. It was people misusing the term love who don’t even understand what it really is or who they really are.
When we grow spiritually, we are stripping away all that we are not so we can become more of what we truly are. Very few people can strip away enough of what they are not to discover that they are pure love at their core. This is what we all should be striving for.
Hello Don,
I have gone through your true story and all the comments who responded to you so far, I would like to make my last comment first and then go on, you may find it interesting.
” Love is our soul, our spirit, our essence, our connection to the creator ” this is an extract from one of your comments, and how beautifully and clearly you put these words together, I totally agree that love is within all of us and sometimes it needs a little tapping for it to flourish, this tapping can be anything, it just happens in every day life and we suddenly realize of its existence and its power to enable us to cope with situations that we never thought we could handle, in a way it is a testing from our creator. I agree with you totally about this issue. I believe there are two kinds of love, one is the one you have described, an spiritual feeling that God has put within us, and the other is what most people can feel about one another, like the relationship between a man and a woman, be it a partnership, marriage or just a casual relationship, we have to differentiate between the two, I suppose in your mind you would call it ” casual love ” and according to you most people do not understand the true meaning of love, the spiritual love, but the meaning of the word LOVE is what most people understand which is different from what you understand. I am going to continue about the love that most people understand and not the one you describe, and go on about marriage and choosing a partner or wife. I have to add that I spent 20 years of my adult life in the middle East and 30 years in Europe so I do have a good insight of how people interpret love and marriage in the East and the West.
In the East when a man wants to choose a wife he takes a lot of things into consideration, the question of compatibility plays a major role in choosing a partner, such matters as age, education, family background, financial standing and physical appearance are considered. It is not normal for a man to marry a woman older than him or financially in a different level, he opens his eyes and uses his INNER WISDOM to consider every aspect rather than referring only to his lust for the woman in question, the woman also considers the same issues before she says yes, and after they are married they both shut their eyes and get on with life without allowing themselves to think of another man or woman. The love that most people talk about in their eyes does not happen immediately, it takes time to develop and because they are compatible with each other they don’t encounter any problems that they can not compromise on. It is very rare for an Eastern woman to leave his man for another man, to her it would be so degrading that she would rather die. An Eastern man who has not married before would not consider a previously married woman for his wife, and similarly it would be the same with the woman, it is all about the compatibility and choosing wisely as separation is considered as a taboo. Having an affair in a married life is not the done thing and is very rare but it does happen and the result is divorce, having an affair with a married man or a married woman is an unforgivable sin that puts the sinner in isolation within the society, the sinner would better leave and disappear, there is no question about that. The couple just don’t think of another man or woman entering their lives.
In the west the situation is different, compatibility does not play a major role in couples choosing each other, a man meets a woman, at work, at the pub or club, anywhere really, they date for a while, normally have sexual relationship in the process and decide to get married or live together and be partners. You yourself married a woman 9 years older than you, she was married before, had a kid and had affairs while married, did that not matter to you? did you not take into consideration her track record? could she not do the same thing to you? did you not think that she was not compatible with you? please excuse me if I am referring to your experiences as an example. In the west couples do not shut their eyes to other men or women after they get married, they are not really sure if they have made the right choice, lust plays a major role in choosing a partner, having an affair with someone else”s wife or husband does not carry a public outcry and not so unusual, but something like that destroys the person who has been cheated on, no matter how liberal the person may be.
You say you never judge people and accept everyone unconditionally, well in a perfect world your belief would work wonders but not in this world that we live in, how can you not judge the terrorist that cuts the chest of another human being and pulls out his heart and eats it? how can you not judge the sub animal humanoids that behead children and play football with them? how can you not judge the man who pushes a button and downs a passenger plane carrying innocent people? I am afraid I don’t have that kind of love in me, to not judge people like that, God gave me a brain and put in it wisdom to use for a happy and healthy life, to get on and love others, to protect myself and others from evil. In a perfect world I would follow you but not in this world.
I see you remembered me telling you about how people are like flowers…as you used that reference in flower petals….
Remember me Don? That sin city organization? It still affects me today. I still suffer from what they did to me. All those psychological games they play….you know….you know.
Why should I suffer? Why can’t I trust? Why can’t I move forward, while they continue to succeed, I suffer still….
Maybe now you can feel my pain. I see your pain in your writings. You should see mine….
Hi Carol,
It is wonderful to hear from you after all this time. I still remember you as a shinning, bright star and I’m sorry to hear that you are still suffering so deeply from what happened. Yes, we have both been through severe pain in our lives. Your questions are good ones.
Please allow me to go deep into my heart and soul and with all my love and caring offer you some perspective you may find helpful. What I’m going to say to you is not an easy message to accept. I do believe there is a way for you to move on with your life and discover the joy, bliss and wonder you are meant to experience and truly deserve.
Through the many years that I have worked on this book project and especially the conversations I have had with thousands of people on the Facebook Page where I actually write this book http://www.facebook.com/lifeisaforkintheroad , I have learned a great deal about the questions you have raised. There are many people who have been through very painful experiences and find it difficult to free themselves from what happened and move on with their lives. You are not alone.
You have had some very painful and disturbing things happen to you that you had no control over. This is how it often happens. Other people do things that hurt us and affect our life. How do we move on from these things that others did so that we can live the life the Creator intends for us to live and express the magnificence of who we really are?
Clearly, we have no control over these other people’s actions. While we may wish we could change them, the reality is that in most cases this will never occur. We do have control over how we respond to these events. We can choose how we look at things and how that makes us feel. For those who are able to move on, they have learned to not let the past define them, limit them nor continue to hold them prisoner. Everything you feel is because of the thoughts you hold in your mind. What you think causes you to feel the way you do.
Everyday that you continue to dwell with anger, hurt, pain and more over what happened to you back them, they win and you lose. You have allowed them to continue to affect you. Your pain has no affect on them so you are the only one who is hurt. Yes, I know you want to be free of this. First, you have to accept that you have choices you can make in how you respond to what life throws at you. You can’t control what others do but you can control how you respond and how that makes you feel.
I too have been in situations like the one described in this blog that caused severe hurt, pain, anguish and for a few months turned me into a basket case. I was able to move on from this event and take control of my life, my choices, my future by making certain choices about how I viewed what happened and the person who caused it.
I realized that if I blamed this person for what I was feeling I was the only one who would continue to suffer. It was through some deep soul searching while walking through the valley of darkness that I discovered my capacity for unconditional love and the power it gave me. When I realized that I could still love and forgive someone who had caused me much pain, I was suddenly free. I didn’t condone what they did. I didn’t want them back in my life. I didn’t want to change them. She was free to do what she wanted. And I was free to live my life to the fullest.
Unconditional love and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin. They grow from the same source. I have learned that people who have trouble unconditionally loving and accepting other people as they are also have trouble forgiving. It is like you feel you are continuing to punish them or show that you are better than them by not forgiving them. Because you do not like what they did, you don’t want to give them a pass.
Forgiveness gives you the gift of life. I wrote this as a post on my Facebook page November 10, 2013. Yes, I know how difficult it is to forgive. Many people struggle with this. I have had some people tell me they have gone for over twenty years without being able to forgive. I have also had many people finally forgive those who hurt them through my help. The trouble is that when we don’t forgive those who have done us serious wrong, we only punish ourselves. We are the ones who continue to suffer, not them. We are the ones who can’t be there for our loved ones because of this terribleness that lives within us.
When you forgive those who have hurt you, forgive them completely, you free yourself. You rid yourself of a cancer that consumes you. This forgiveness does not condone what was done to you. It simply recognizes that human beings are imperfect, flawed and will do bad things. Some more than others. Some never learn. That is the nature of the human condition. Carol, you should not suffer one more day because other people have displayed some of the worst aspects of human imperfection.
I know what I am sharing with you is difficult to accept. The pain and hurt combined with the nature of the fragile human ego fights against our letting go and truly forgiving. Know in this very moment Carol that I care about you and want the best for you. Know is this very moment Carol that you are so deserving of the best that life offers in all ways. There is a joyous, blissful, light filled future waiting for you Carol. And this future is completely within your control.
You have the power to make a choice that can change your life forever. You have the power to make a choice to grow an entirely new branch on your tree of life. You are such a beautiful deeply caring soul. You have so much love inside of you. Find this love deep within you. This love has been with you since conception. It is who you really are and have always been. This magnificent love inside of you is waiting to be asked to forgive all those who have hurt you and harmed you in any way. Forgiveness gives you the gift of life. Accept this gift given to you by the Creator and become the truly awesome, loving, beautiful soul that you are twenty four hours a day every day.
I have shared much for you to reflect on. Take the time to let what I’ve shared seep deep inside you. Allow its seeds to germinate and grow. Let new awareness open you to all that is and all that you can be. Recognize that you can choose a different fork in the road that will take you to the life you really want.
Love,
Don
Okay! I am a witness to dis…and dis so so damn true
this life is what you make it. no matter what pure going to mess up somthing, its a universal truth, but the good part is you get to decide how your going to mess it up girls will be your friend- theyll act like tit anyway. but just remember, some came, some go, the ones that stay with you though everything- theyre your true best friend dont let go of them. also remember , sisters make the best friends in the world. as for lovers, well , they come and go too and baby,i hate to say it, most of them, actually prettty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you cant give up because if you give up, youll never find your soulmate. youll never that half that make you hole and that goes for everything , just because you fail ones, dosint mean your gonna fail at everything. keep trying , hold on, and always, always, always belive in yourself , because if you dont, then who will, sweety? so keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because lifes a beautiful thing and theres so much to smile blouit day 1 what you give is priceless day 2 there are more ways to be happy than anyone can imagine day 3 why settle for good when your life can be grat day 4 a wish is a powerful thing day 5 say yes to less stress day 6 you dont have to be perfect too be beautiful day 7 give yourself a compliment its true . marilyn monroe
Thank you for sharing your story. I was very touched how you handled this very difficult experience. Unconditional love has no boundaries, no rules; and as you expressed it I too feel it is a spiritual condition you reach. Loving someone more than ourselves and wanting their happiness above our own. I do feel there is one step farther and a spiritual principle that I would have to take. Did your wife leaving you for another man crush you? Of course it did. What she did was wrong as she promised you in the wedding vows “till death do us part.” She promised to forsake all others and cling only to you, her husband. Our love for another person goes so deep that we would wish they would “see where they were wrong.” We cannot just throw away one husband for another one. We have enough spiritual love for them that we would desire that they would follow the Bible and repent for their adultery with another person. To me, that is true unconditional love. To want to help the other person see the error of their ways and realize what they did, not only to their mate; but to all the families, children and etc. whose lives where touched by their act. Decisions me make in life not only affect us but also our loved ones. I applaud your beautiful attitude and how you could come to an inner peace; but feel there is a real principle here, a Biblical one. A wonderful example is the difference between Judas and Peter. Judas sold Jesus for some silver, he betrayed his Master; and Peter denied our Lord three times before his crucifixion. Judas might have, in the end result, been very sorry he did that and the Bible states he went out and hung himself. There is no record in the Bible where he repented. On the other hand Peter was extremely sorrowful and asked the Lord’s forgiveness as he denied him out of fear. Jesus said to Peter, my prayers have saved you Peter. Peter asked for forgiveness where Judas did not. We can feel an unconditional love for others but it does not excuse the wrong that they willingly did and the need for repentance to God and the one they wronged. Lord bless you.
I thought I m the only one who feels this way… Actually I talked about it with so many people. They all told me that this is not love this is attraction. Thanks for sharing and letting me believe in myself that what I felt was not infatuation.its love. Thank you.thank you thank you…
That’s great and a fab story…..
but you didn’t ever contact her to try to reconnect?
That sounds odd to me. If you love someone you let them go, yes, but on giving them that space they need you need to be proactive when the opportunity presents itself. That’s not being selfish, if you’re meant to be together you should be fighting for it once she’s had the space she needed. Unless you’re not right for each other, but it sounds like she had a thought about love which was misguided, so that surely vindicates your relationship.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story Don. You clearly demonstrate the wonder and healing power of unconditional love.
Thank you Carolyn. Coming from “The Hurt Healer”, that means a lot to me. I’ve had some in my family who have trouble understanding how I can share something so personal in public like this. That is more about them than it is about me. When we embrace the risk of telling our truth and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we can heal ourselves and help others to heal themselves.
Don, your post was beautiful – lovely to read.
I was with my ex for 4 years but after maybe 3 years I stopped loving myself, was in a rut, became lazy, unmotivated and gave up on myself a bit. I had a job but wasnt really happy in it if im being honest. Not to say she was an angel but I loved er all the same. I put on loads of weight and kept smoking and eating bad and it was clealry affecting our relationship becuase she told me a few time in the past that she was starting to feel different towards me but I didnt listen. I was in my own wee bubble and thought it would never burst – then it did. 2 months ago, she told me me that wasnt happy anymore and her feelings toward me have gone and it was one of the hardest things to take becuase she said Im a nice person but Im just lazy and never wanted to do anything. Thats not to say I never done anythign for her – we lived together and I thought this was the next step for us but clearly not. I still love her so much and do want the best for her but I still want to be with me…is there something wrong with me? People say dont blame yourself for break up but I know myself we had our faults but I know i could hev done more…and thats wht i’ll regret.
I am trying my best to accept because it was the wake up call I needed to get my ass in gear but it has come as a great price – losing the only girl Ive ever genuinely loved – more than me, I stopped loving myself and that must have been hard to see and I am trying to find the strength to move on but I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel – this is the first time time ive ever had my heart broke and Im 28. I need you guys’ wisdom and words to show me how I am going to get past this. I feel as if i dont know where to go in life now and have no sense of direction.
There has been no contact now in 1 month and shes my first and last thoughts each day…people say times a healer but I just feel the same after a few months – no change. I know people can separate some time to come back together but im trying to make myself the strongest possible verison of me – its just tough and sometimes i feel like theres no point. Trying to stay positive becuase i have a great family round me but i miss her and dont know whether it was true love or attachment – it feels like love though 🙁
Please help – sorry for sound defeastist biut it just ive never been in this situation before and am scared 🙁
Shane,
Thank you so much for honestly sharing what you have gone through with our loving community. I especially liked how you are able to look at your own lessons and areas for growth. Please give yourself a big pat on the back for that. It takes courage and maturity to look ourselves in the mirror and tell the truth about us. That awareness is the first step in moving forward with your life. As your awareness grows, so you grow. This is huge for you. There are people decades older than you that can’t do this. There is much more that I want to share with you so I will return to do that. I do have a day job that pays the bills! I just wanted you to know that your message has been read and more insights are on the way.
Thank you Don,
I really appreciate you getting back to me – it’s times like this I am willing to accept all the wisom/advice that will be offered to me. As I say she was no angel and it takes 2 for a relationship to end etc but I know in my heart that she was putting more into it than I was giving her back at times.
I would literally give my left arm to have her back by my side – but I know i’ll only be able to keep her in my heart from now on.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Shane
Please help me Mr. Shapiro. It’s a matter of life and death.
Please help me Mr. Shapiro. It’s a matter of life and death. Please mail me as soon as possible. I will be eagerly waiting to hear you.
Dearest Shane,
Love is our greatest gift, and so if we allow ourselves to give and receive this very precious gift, then we agree to also feel the pain of it when we lose someone we love. I see this relationship as offering up to you many, many gifts. It sounds like it was a wonderful learning relationship, where the two of you came together with a certain goal that was divinely agreed upon ahead of time.
As you move forward on this journey called life, you will realize that often relationships have a purpose – a beautiful gift for you in their hands, and once that gift has been received and manifested, the purpose of the relationship has been fulfilled, and so the relationship will begin to change. This isn’t because you weren’t meant for one another, or that the relationship was a “waste”. Indeed it is, in fact, the opposite. As difficult as it is to grieve the loss of a loved friend or lover, this letting go is necessary so that a new, more fulfilling relationship can come in.
This girl obviously loved you when you were being who she wanted, and needed you to be, but when the going got tough, she got going. This isn’t a bad thing, however, the one that you will want to spend your life with, will love you in a more deep and selfless way. I met my husband at 18, and he has seen me through many, many incarnations of myself as I have grown through the years. I have at times been challenging, sick, lazy, and I weigh almost twice what I weighed when we met. I say to this day that sleeping is a sport to me! Yet he still tells me how beautiful I am. He accepts me and challenges me to be a better version of myself. This man SEE’s me. He sees the divine in me – that which we all have that makes us the same – not one better or more beautiful than the next.
I have a wish for you. I wish for you to go on a journey this year. To explore who you are, what your passions are, and to learn how you are essential to this world. I want you to explore the idea of Love, what it means to love oneself, and others. Or how love serves us, and in turn, the world. I want you to be selfish, just for this year, and ask yourself daily what makes YOUR heart sing. This is where true joy and love resides. When we love who we are, where we are, and how we are, then Love comes to us. Trust me – it’s like moths to a flame. So often, we are busy asking others to make changes that we think will make us happier. If only he…. If only she… our relationship would be better. This is not true. When we truly love who we are, then it is easy to see ourselves and our beauty in others and it is the spirit of another we are truly attracted to.
So Shane, you have another 2 plus full lives ahead of you. Forgive yourself for forgetting how amazing you were for a bit, and thank this girl for showing you how important you really are. Take that journey with the knowledge that the moment you are happy living with yourself, an amazing girl will show up to share your experience. Set your intention that this next relationship will have all the things you loved about the last one and MORE. Set your intention that this next girl will see in you, your essential nature, your love, your divinity, and know that she will be your best friend. This is the person one can spend their life with, because we are on an ever changing journey, and only those that see the truest part of us can travel the entire road at our side.
So send love with this girl as you let her go, and let the grief move through you and out. Promise yourself that you will wake up each day with the intention of knowing yourself in a deeper, more spiritual way, and go to bed with gratitude of the day you were given and have received. Let your mistakes go, and soon they will be but a word or two in a very lovely story about growth, life, and of course, Love.
If you are looking for books, weekends, etc. Message me and I would be happy to share with you some of the most amazing and life altering places in the country.
You are loved by those who you haven’t even met, and you are celebrated in realms not seen. Yes – YOU, Shane, because you are part of me, and we are part of this larger thing called LOVE.
Hi Linda,
Thank you very much for your kind words of wisdom – I really appreciate it.
I know myself that this experience will make me a better person all round from the lesson I’ve learned and soul searching I’ve done these past few months. I have to put me first from now on…look for what makes me happy – even though for weeks on end I was sure it was her. I know myself, she was a very special woman and I can look back on these last 4 years with fond memories. It’ll just hurt sometimes becuase we had made some plans to travel (nothing concrete) and few trips etc but I know myself I changed along the way. As you say this was probably a learning relationship for both of us and I know the next girl I meet and who captures my heart I will be using everything Ive learnt from this one to apply it to the next one.
It’ll just take time…she really was beautiful and had this care free spirit that intrigued me from the very start – and it’s now when everything is settled, I realise what I had…what we had. It ended on good terms, there was no bad blood and I didnt get angry or shout at why this happening. She explained how she was feeling and I knew from the bottom of my heart she was right – I tried to fight for her and show her I could change but she had made her mind up and after a few days I realised it had to happen and told her I admired her courage to do it.
I will move on from this I know and all I can do her is send her positive vibes and the best of wishes even though I cant talk to her becuase we are in no contact…which I know its the right thing to do.
Any websites you could recommend to read up on about how to get over this properly would be really helpful.
Look forward to hearing from you Linda – thank you again for your kind words and interest in this hurdle in my life.
Shane x
Hi Shane,
Would you share with me what state you live in? Then I can give you some beautifully inspirational places closest to you where you may want to take some time for thought and growth. I will ponder the book idea – I don’t really readily have books to recommend for the loss of a relationship, but I do have so many that have spoken to me over the years about spirituality, our place in this world, why we are here, and what is our purpose. Those, I could give you a list if you are interested. I have more to share, but will let you sit with all of this information you have been give. I have one last tidbit for today, and that is that “normal” is a setting on my dryer, and that is the only way it exists in my world. You are uniquely, and importantly you. Our reality is what we believe, and nothing more. So you can co-create your future by finding that which you find to be lovely and true for you, and setting your path/intention to find more of the same. This beautiful mess we call life, is only a journey – we never truly “arrive”, nor may we want to! It is beautifully orchestrated, and divinely inspired, and we are partners in the creation of everything we experience. I will write more soon. Please stay in touch and ask any questions you may have about everything that has been shared. This, too, will pass and I want for you the most amazing future. Love to you, Shane.
Hi Shane,
I can definitely feel your pain. This is a tough one because you are dealing with two hurts at the same time. First, you’ve lost the woman you dearly loved. Second, you are aware of your own shortcomings and how they may have contributed to what happened in your relationship.
This is a very heavy burden for you to carry on your shoulders. I can understand how you may feel lost and unmotivated right now. There is simply no easy or quick way to deal with someone who we loved leaving us. You cannot put conditions, time frames or expectations on what it will take for you to heal from this and move on. We do not have any control over time nor what our individual healing will involve.
While friends and family may be supportive which is a good thing, they don’t often know what would be best for you. I also had people telling me isn’t wasn’t my fault and all that or telling me to forget about the woman who left me. There intentions may have been good but what they said just had nothing to do with what I needed or how I had to figure these things out.
So let’s get to work Shane. I’m going to share some insights with you. Please keep your mind open. Also allow time for my thoughts and the wonderful insights shared by Linda Thomas to sink in. Reread what we have written every few days. Allow your reflection on everything to enter your subconscious mind and then throw yourself into something else that consumes your thinking for a week or so to allow the mind to work on it. I will share more on how to do this in a little while.
First, let’s talk about time. Yes, absolutely time is the great healer. You are not the one who decides how long that time span takes. It’s all about how your insides are wired and what you do going forward. In my case, it took me over four years to finally return to my normal self. Losing someone you have loved deeply comes from the same emotional place as other forms of grief such as a loved one passing on. A few months is nothing in these types of situations. You need a year or more just to begin to come out of it and maybe more years depending on how deep your love was.
I was a basket case for the first four months after my relationship ended. I couldn’t do anything and I cried everyday. This is grief plane and simple. You have lost a part of yourself because when you love someone, there is a connection that occurs where a part of you is in the other person and a part of them in you. They get woven into your DNA as well as your emotions. There is no quick and easy way here. So accept that yes, time is the great healer. Give yourself the time to heal and don’t rush the process or get impatient that you are still going through it.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are normal. This is the way it is.
Now, let us move on to all you’ve learned about yourself. It is good that are aware of what happened with you and can be honest about it. Denial would be much worse for you believe me. But this is very hard to take. You see how what you did contributed to the loss of a woman you deeply loved which can lead to huge regrets. I am glad to see this level of awareness and a desire to want to improve yourself. That is always the first step to move forward though it may be a while before you begin to feel better.
I am going to ask you to do two things which may appear contradictory at first. On the one hand, I want you to dig much deeper into why you did what you did. On the other hand, I am going to ask you to stop flogging yourself because you were human and made some mistakes.
First, you have to go much deeper, as deep as you can to take apart everything that went on inside you during the time you let yourself go and didn’t pick up on what your loved one was telling you about how all this was beginning to make her feel. Please don’t get angry with me about what I’m about to share with you. I’m going to push you here so you can get yourself going. It is not enough to recognize that this happened. That is only the beginning. If you loved this woman as much as you say you do, why did you ignore her comments? It is critical that you go deep enough to understand what you were thinking and feeling that would cause you to do that.
In my entire life, if a woman I love tells me that something is bothering her, I pay very close attention to that because I care about her, respect her and want her to love me and want to be with me. I don’t want to do anything that would cause her to not want me. Something was either causing you to take her for granted or there were some issues between you. Was there a power struggle? Was there any ego issues? Did you love her more than she loved you? Did she only love you for certain things and was not as committed to you as you might have thought?
I don’t have a clue what was actually going on between you but you have to figure out why you didn’t take her comments seriously and get your act together to show her you were worthy of her love. This is a subject I discuss a lot in my personal life and with my friends. What is your intention in the relationship? How important is the relationship to you compared to everything else in your life? What priority do you place on love?
These are not idle questions. They are the core questions. So often I see relationships break up because both partners have not made love and the relationship the most important priority on the planet earth to them. It can’t be second or third for either one. Nothing less than that level of commitment from both partners is enough for a relationship to stand the test of tough times. I honestly am not hearing from what you have described that either one of you had that level of commitment. This means that whether it was something you did or something she did, there wasn’t enough commitment to do what was necessary to make the relationship work.
If you truly loved her as much as you say you do, then why, for one nanosecond wouldn’t you take seriously a comment that her feelings toward you were changing? What was going through your mind? What were you feeling when she said this? You have to look yourself in the mirror and figure this out. Saying that you lacked self love is not a good answer because it doesn’t really explain what was going on. You have to get much more detailed about this so you can figure out all the feelings and thoughts that were driving your actions (or lack thereof).
What I’m saying is that you have to get to the bottom of why you began to lose self esteem or self love. You say it occurred during the relationship. So what happened that caused this to occur. Was it things she said to you or did? Something had to change here and you need to understand that. A loss of self love doesn’t happen out of the blue. Dig down and get to the bottom of what was really happening inside of you and with her. Maybe there were things she did or said which bothered you but the two of you couldn’t resolve it in a kind and caring way. Maybe there was some type of power or ego struggle. The deeper you understand the more insights and clarity you will gain. Maybe this isn’t just about what you did? Maybe she did things too which affected you? Maybe she wasn’t as committed to you as you needed or wanted?
Now, let’s move on. Once you have thoroughly dissected this in every possible way instead of just feeling terrible about losing her love, you will be ready to stop flogging yourself and beating yourself up over her leaving. You have to paint a deep and accurate picture of what actually happened, accept responsibility for your part in it and identify the lessons you need to learn. Once you have done that, you need to forgive yourself and forgive her completely. Totally, Fully.
You need to take the love you have for her turn that into forgiveness. Forgive yourself for all that you have done. You are still young and have a lot to learn. You are human and imperfect. That will not change in the future so live with the fact that you will make more mistakes. It’s the human way. Remove this burden from your shoulder. Forgive her at the same time. Even though you don’t know how or why right now because your love has blinded you, she in some unknown way contributed to this.
Don’t deny that this is true. Please don’t deny it. If a woman loves her man more than anything on the planet earth, she will go to the mat to help him improve himself and deal with what she sees going on. She won’t put you down or criticize you because you’ve lost motivation and let yourself go. She will be super kind, loving, caring, compassionate, supportive and encouraging to you. She will try to help you every way possible and seek outside help. She will move mountains to help you because she truly loves you. This is what someone who truly loves another does. They care and won’t give up on their lover. They will have your back.
If she did not do these types of things, you have to reflect on what that means. Did she only want to be married to you as long as you were exactly the way you were when you first married? Did you grow apart instead of growing together? Was her love conditional? What was her actual level of commitment to the relationship? Was she more into herself than you? Did she have self image, self love or ego issues as well? Were there touchy areas in the relationship that had to be avoided because they would cause arguments? I could go on and on about possible relationship and compatibility issues. I’m sure you get the idea. There is more to what happened here than you are describing and maybe what you are even aware of at a conscious level.
Take the relationship apart in a more clinical, detached and objective way. You may want to or need to seek professional help from a therapist to do this. There is more for you to learn and then you have to forgive. Forgiveness is the other side of unconditional love. If you loved unconditionally, you are able to forgive as well. Understand everything than forgive everything and slowly move on to rebuild your life.
Now for a moment of reflection. Right now, you feel that you have lost the greatest love of your life. I know exactly where you are at. Been there. Know in this moment that she was not the greatest love you will experience in your life. There is someone out there much better for you. Maybe some of the things I’ve shared with you will open you up to considering what a great relationship is like. It takes more than just deeply loving someone to have a great relationship. And both partners have to love each other at exactly the same level. One cannot be more than the other.
Every experience we have is there to teach us something that will give us wisdom and help us grow. Our life is about growing and learning to become all we are meant to be. You are not there yet. The lessons you learn from this relationship will help you to grow by leaps and bounds. This will prepare you to meet someone who is ready for the new, improved Shane. That woman would not have given you the time of day five years ago. You were not ready to meet someone at her level. You will be in a while. Don’t rush this. Just know you are preparing yourself for something incredible. The better you are as a person the better the woman you will attract.
And yes, you will feel a depth of love like you have never felt before. It will be at a much higher and more fulfilling nature. You will expect more in this woman as well and she will bring much more to you. She will help you to become the best person you can possibly be and you will want to please her by continuing on that growth path.
Great relationships are about love, friendship and compatibility. My recommendation to younger people is to focus more on building friendships before you let romance take hold. If you are feeling strong romantic attraction to someone, see if you can keep the brakes on for a while and let a friendship develop first. Friendship before love and romance. If you allow romance to take over a new relationship too quickly, you may not develop the friendship necessary for it to last. You may not discover critical compatibility issues because you are blinded by the wonderful romantic feelings.
Next, let’s talk about your growth and development plan. Yes, your action plan to improve yourself in every possible way. You need to make a list of everything you need to improve on and then figure out how you are going to improve at it. Are you going to listen to audio CD’s, read books, go to a therapist, take classes, join clubs or group? What will help you to improve in each area you have identified? You need to put together a clear plan of action to grow yourself to be more successful in all aspects of your life.
You say you don’t feel like doing anything and have no motivation. Yes, I understand being in that place. You slowly move past that by taking actions. It may only be one little action here or there at first. You have to force yourself, drag yourself, put a fire under yourself if necessary but you have to start taking concrete action to improve who you are and how effective you are in all areas of your life.
You move on from where you are and get unstuck by having a goal and taking some action everyday to move toward the goal. You can add goals and actions as time goes on. If you need a family member or friend to come over to your place with big bat and force you to take action, then ask them to do this for you. Whatever it takes, focus your energy and effort on improving you. The more you put energy into you and force yourself to take actions, the sooner you will begin to feel changes occurring within you.
Just start with one goal and one action. Take one action a day to improve yourself. You don’t have to feel like it. You may be totally unmotivated right now. I understand that. You start by forcing yourself as an act of self-preservation. Start imagining a better future waiting for you. How long do you want this future to wait. It’s there tapping its foot right now waiting for you to get going. Do you want to have a better career? Make more money? Travel? Find a woman who loves you and worships you and would be a positive influence on you? Find something to focus on that will get you to start taking one action a day to improve yourself. If you force yourself to do this everyday for 30 days, you will begin to see a little differently. It won’t be quick. This is a long term project. The best time to get started is now.
You will not forget about this woman you still love and that’s okay. She will become a cherish memory. It is not the love that is holding you back. It is your emotional ties to the relationship and your regrets about your part in its demise. This simply takes time to heal. You must understand what happened completely, identify where you need to improve and start taking action to make it happen.
Yes, what I have written is tough in some areas. This is going to be hard on you. I know that. There is no easy, painless way to heal our emotions and spirit. As I said at the beginning, let what Linda and I have written seep in. Don’t fight or argue with it. Just try to understand our perspective. Then reread these comments again every few days. Seek deeper understanding. Allow time to pass for these insights to grow within you. Please feel free to ask questions as well.
You don’t know it yet but you are already on your way to becoming a better you and finding a much more powerful and rewarding love relationship.
All i can say is 100% i am with someone i love but love someone unconditionally i am not with. Love them so much i told them. It did some damage, i regret it because they are gone from my life. But i love them so much it is unreal, i would do anything for them, take care of their needs if they were disabled, give them money, stand outside their home in a storm if they were afraid of someone and wanted someone there to protect them, walk in front of a bullet. Give blood and organs.
Even help their chosen partner. And in return. Nothing
Because they are everything they are perfect in all ways i cannot choose this, i did not, i wish this was not, it is though. So i accept it and hurt every day, feel sad when i hear they are or have had bad news. And forever i will be there if they saw me and asked for something, i would give it.
No matter what because to me, she is all i want, she deserves love, and happiness and i would do anything to give it even if it was not me.
I too, have lost a true love of my life, in almost the same way. I went on throug the years thinking it was my very own fault for losing her and I still do. The life that we shared together as husband and wife was just like a true love story with two early found soulmates. Hardly ever an argument, the relationship problems began just after two years of me joining the Navy. I started up with the drinking
more than what I shoud have, which ultimately led me to some physical altercations with her. On one evening after work, she was supposed to pick me up at the Naval base, waiting for a few hours, I walked back to our apartment and found a sorriful goodbye letter attached to the TV screen, some of the words said “your six pack is in the fridge.” Knowing now that I was becoming what I hated most, my stepfather. I tried desperately for months to get her back. And then one evening sitting at our apartment ( as I have been, not drinking as I did) I received a phone call from a Navy buddy, He had been feeling guilty knowing the state I was in, he told me that They were having an affair, long before she had left me. Double hurt and confused! I still wanted for her and me to be back together, but now at this time i’m feeling that I had pushed her into having an affair. And I still do today. I eventually got her to go out with me on two occasions, both being at a park for a private picnic together. She no doubtably knew that I was told about the affair. I told her that it was nobody’s fault, but mine. She wept as she told me that I would never forget what she had done and that someday I down the road I would bring it up against her. I lost communication with her after signing divorcement papers she brou ght to me while I was on base. I was never able to find her again. Until now! I found her on FB, living over 1600 mi away in another state. She’s married now and has been for 25 years, she looks as almost as beautiful as she did the first day I met her. But there’s one thing about her marriage, she’s married to my ex-buddy that had the affair with her! Shock, I didn’t see him as the marrying type. Now I have this opportunity to write her, but it’s not to just say hello again to my once called “Baby-doll,” it’s to say how much she remained a part in my life, as I loved her unconditionally. And to tell her that i’ve been in a hospital for over one year, with a terminal illness, not knowing how much time I have left. At this moment, there are several ways I’ve written a letter to her, but but, undecided whether or not I’ll send them. P.S. I would greatly appreciate somebody else to put my words in a better way than I can… Thank you for taking your time to read this. RC,
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I could put my name in the story as it has happened to me after a stroke and treatment for prostate cancer which left me impotent.only a spiritual power within us can do this kind of love.i thank you for this story.if we can control the ego we all can exhibit this typer of love for all mankind.again thanks for the story.it is good to have company in this type of situation.charley hall
Don,
I was looking up love stories and happened upon your blog. I read your original posting, Ruth’s posting response, and then your response to her. I have to say that your words were so inspiring and I really needed to hear them. You taught me that the unconditional love I feel is of a spiritual nature and not an emotional one. I think I knew this, already, but I wasn’t listening and feeling very confused. Your story… your words touched my heart. I understand, completely, and that is because I have my own story. I am on your same page. May God bless you for your unconditional love towards others. I think that, spiritually speaking, you are more advanced than most adults in love. I do know unconditional love… Thank you for sharing such special part of your life with others so that they can grown.
Michelle
Thank you for sharing Michelle. I’m glad what I’ve written here resonated with you and in some way helped you to understand your own love. Clearly, this post has generated a tremendous amount of discussion over the years and seems to have taken on a life of its own. I’m always surprised when new comments continue to arrive and appreciate your taking the time to stop by.
Don,
Your blog helped me a lot. I always believed in unconditional love but never realized the extent of it. Your blog helped me to do that. I, now, believe that love is literally unconditional. And it’s immense joy in loving someone even if one doesn’t love me back. Love is true, love is sacred, love is beautiful. Love is the universal language of humanity and true lovers are better human. Loving is immense joy. Thank you.
Reading this brings tears to my heart, I hope your heart and your soul find ur own peace of unconditional from another or a mutual unconditional love for one another, I’m in a relationship now, nd I thought about year question, I took a few seconds felt the pain of the thought of him leaving but realised yes, I would still love him as long as he is happy. But yet for a moment I understood ur pain and I do is wish happiness for you, joy and true love. thank you for sharing your heart opening a vein so to say. Btw the song has so much emotion, its truly heartfelt
Thank you so much for your kind and sincere thoughts. This story is about something that happened in my life a very long time ago. Yes, I have found mutual love and much happiness since then. I’m glad that you can feel what this is really like. Yes, the song has great meaning for me as it was a way for me to crawl out of the valley of tears and move on. It started the releasing process in me.
It has taken me over two decades since this experience to understand the true meaning of unconditional love and what it means to actually be this way with everyone I know. Blessings to you and yours!
Hi Don,
Your insights is really helpful as i am mendinh now my broken heart. Thanks for enlightening this very complicated subject. I just wanna ask, if there’s any way or enough reason can you cheat on someone whom you called your “true love”?
I had a very wonderful relationship with my ex boyfriend, and he always made me feel deeply love by his actions. Back when we where still together, I felt like I was very lucky to be treated and considered by someone as his greatest and true love. We had been for over 3 years and it was almost perfect, full of unbearable challenges that we had overcome because of our deep love, especially him.We were bestfriends, cared for, trust each other, deep commitment, and we’ve seen the worst in us, so we thought we could overcome any challenges and be together for the rest of our lives.
However, just yesterday, was the biggest downfall of our relationship that was tested when we started this Long Distance Relationship. I went here in dubai and been here for almost 2 years, sacrificed of being away from him just to have a better future. We were planning to get married when I come back and we only have few months to go and we can be back to each others arms and continue our dreams. However, I just discovered yesterday that while I was away, dreaming and believing about our future, I just discovered that we was having an affair with a gay, and it’s been since last year, without any clues or sign because he was still very sweet adn loving while i was away, like nothing has changed. He never failed to say everyday how much he love and miss me that he would like to go here in dubai because he said that its really hard and very painful for him away from me.So my world shattered as I can’t believe he did this to me. All of our dreams, our love, our sweet memories, our commitment and promises were all put into waste. It was really unbelievable. Believe me Don that I can take pride in and proud of how he loved me not to mention his impressive effort not only to me but also to my family.i can’t elaborate any further but all I can say is I was his true love and even our families can attest to that. But how can someone who loved so deeply can do this to someone who he really loved, built dreams with and became his world? Yes, you might ask me what went wrong or was there anything about me that led him do this? Yes, I was very rude at times to the point of questioning if i really loved him,i am perfectionist and has high standard. But I believe that if you truly loved a person, no matter what and who s/he is, you won’t do anything that will hurt him/her. I never cheated on him even if being abroad has full of temptations because I honor our commitment. I thought he was as well. I loved him with all my heart despite of his shortcomings, negatives and all his darkest very evil past as i helped him become a better person. There was not a single person who liked him for me because of his past, but despite, I blindly trusted him because i loved him.And now I can’t believe that after all of these, he was able to hurt me. Did he really loved me? Maybe yes, but why did he do this? Was there really enough reason to cheat, break the heart of the person you said you truly love,honor and respect? I don’t know now where I am heading to. its very painful. And if he comes back, should I forgive him again and again so that our “love” will not be wasted? How many times should we forgive and up to what extent? And can you really hurt and cheat with the one you truly loved? Should I move on and look for a better person and relationship, or should i forgive and still love him and wait till he comes back? Is love really the answer? What if the person ypu truly love is the same person who will make you miserable? Should you look for what’s”best” for you? Or still believe in “love” and “forgiveness” looking forward to your reply as I feel so devastated now.
am so happy hearing this,i have had aproblem since i started relationship.i think i have been in love with many guys to the minimum of 5 and i always dipart from them with lots of tear when they leave me.but know when i realise it it was just a strong attachment not love that connected me with them and make me cry.now with the help of god if i ever fall in love i will never afraid what will be happen next whether the person i love left me ,insult me or cheat on me.now i have decided to wait the love of my life only one guy who ever comes in my life.thank you for sharing this to me.
Don, you make me feel so much better . I thought I was the only one who still love him to death, even after he abused me and left me without any contacts. We dated each for more than 5 years, we do everything together. I thought he was my soul mate, we depend on each other so much that I couldn’t live without him. Out of blue, he broke me up saying he has too much pressure and he never contact or reply my messages. I felt so hurt , hoping he will come bcak to me one day which is never going to happen. He has move on and seem to happy with new girls out there. The feeling is so intense because my connection with him was very strong and deep. I always wanted to protect him and be with him.Just like you mention I feel like every cell in my body has been torn apart and run through food processor. It was very hard, I cant be angry with him or hate him. Every things remind me of him, so painful. But Thanks Don , for sharing us this article cause I thought I was the only one who can love unconditionally even after he treated me so horrible. Thanks Don.
So nice ND it is so happy to me after reading this story…. ..
Feeling amazing to read this. I have heard people kill and punish their partners for this kinds of reason , everyday news agencies comes with these kind of news. But never heard or read anything like this before. I m 23 and yet to fall in love wid someone. I dont know what i will do if something like this happens to me. The way you sir dealt wid your case amazes me , i have learned reading your story that loves makes people a better person and regardless what your partner did to you or he/ she wid you or not but true love is always with you which is so wise and supportive, unconditional love is beyond physical existence. If there is life after death then i will pray to god that somewhere sometime you will get your love there. Hats off to your divine love.
I totally agree with your statement about what unconditional love is –ALWAYS wanting the best for the OTHER. I feel the same way about my children as you do about your ex-spouse…no matter what they do or don’t do…no matter which choices they make…they are ALWAYS my children and I will always love them…no matter what. I can fully relate to the comments you made about how others wanting to show empathy, criticize the person you lost –that does nothing for me, either. It would be better if friends would just sit silently by one’s side in trying times. Thank you for sharing your deep experience of love!
Don Thanks for ur inner experience . Am emback on film titled: A tears of love, as I read ur love words it brings more ideas for me. Then concerning ur songs it go along with the film am written. Thanks alot
Talented website, Fastidious feedback that I can tackle. I am transferring ahead and can apply to my present job as a pet sitter, which could be very satisfying, but I must further grow expand. Regards
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Very touching and true. Thank you.
I stumbled upon this while trying to figure out if you could die without the person you love… Because that’s actually what this feels like. I’ve felt on many accounts of their absence that I was in fact dying. I read this and it put more intense tears in my eyes than had been there a few minutes before. I wondered if it would ever go away, this feeling. I’ve read this and I understood that no, it never will. And part of me is happy, and I’m so thankful you wrote this. Part of me is sad because I know I will always miss them. My story is a little messed up as well… it’s not at least I don’t think entirely based on love, but the fact that the person I was left for needed my significant other more than I did. I didn’t need him, I wanted him and to me that told me I really loved him, and she did not. I wanted to tell myself though that he must love her more. It’s hard to say if in fact he is really doing what needs be done, and not what he wants. I suppose I’ll never really know, but he was always an honest and kind soul. He’s dying… it’s as if his body has given up, just like his soul. My body seems to be crapping out itself, and I wasn’t aware that it was happening to him because we stopped talking for a while. It might be childish to ask, but that’s what I searched for if you could in fact die without the person you truly think you’re supposed to be with. I’m not sure, but at least I know that my love was unconditional and will burn through eternity. Thank you.
It is indeed possible to love unconditionally.
Love is beautiful and it’s sacrifices make life incredibly interesting.
You are blessed.
HI I AM DOING THIS FOR MY FRIEND AND THIS MESSAGE IS FOR BRIAN DEEGAN THE FOUNDER OF METAL MULISHA. MY FRIEND SAYS I KNOW ACROSS FROM MY HOME FIRST U PAINT HOME THEN THE POOL CLEANER THE MANY FACES OF BRIAN DEEGAN WHAT NEXT. LEAVE ME ALONE GO AWAY YOU DID ENOUGH DAMAGE
brian deegan founder of metal mulisha u are so cold evil not caring or loving stuped ignorant grow up. i moved on dont forget but i do forgive
My first marriage at 17 I was pregnant and forced to marry by my mother. I was afraid and immature, my husband was 2 1/2 yrs older. It was emotionally and physically for 15 yrs. The 2nd marriage was the same but worst emotionally and physically. After reading your article I now realize it was the ATTACHMENT in both situations. It has been a process in my healing. When I left my first marriage it was because Ihad acquired unconditional love. I have not been in another relation but walk with the LORD. I may never have My Love Story and have accepted this. Thank you for the wonderful story. Sunda
“We may die, but LOVE is immortal”
Gous Raju
Thanks for sharing your love expriency with me. From now i have deeply understand,that if you true “LOVE”!! Some one let her/him be free. Eccept all infinity pains caused aganist you!.
The man i loved for 3 years told me he would never leave me, all of a sudden he said we should just be friends then I knew he dont me love anymore. When we was dating he said to his friends he liked me and told me he loved me, I wanted to be with him again but I never knew what to do. I tried for a long time with other spell casters to get him love me back but Mr Robinson was the ONLY spell caster that could do the love spell for me that worked, if you need help email
robinsonbuckler[*at*]yahoo[*dot*]com.” , he will always come to your aid, Mr Robinson solved my Relationship problem just in 3 days
Note: Beware of duplicate of this very comment with a different spell caster name and contact. This is because this story is serious and true and i am directing people to the only authentic spell caster temple that helped me.
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Any woman who Cheats on their men are such Low Life Losers to begin with.
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Oh my Lord. Azeez, I GOT TERRY BACK. Im so excited, It only took a 3days for him to come home. bless divinity and bless god. i must be dreaming as i never thoughts he would be back to me after all this time. I am so much shock and just cant believe my eyes. thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. because if not for Lord. Azeez i would have committed suicide!!! the email to contact him is lordazeez1990(at)hotmail(dot)com if you need your ex back
it’s true unconditional love does exist I love the father of my kids.more than you can imagine I would give my life for him
I broke up with my boyfriend almost 3 months ago. Within a week he had a new girlfriend. He told me he just wants to be friends i agreed but could not get over him, I felt like I lost my one and only true love, my situation became a bit complicated and a bit different than the “normal breakups, ”but thanks to Robinson.buckler@yahoo. com for bringing my lover back to me,…when i first contacted him, i was very unsure if a love spell can bring my lover back… But after such a long time of loneliness i decided that Mr Robinson buckler should do a love spell for me to get my lover back. Well after Mr Robinson cast the spell and told me what to do, within few days my lover came back feeling so sorry for living me lonely for 3 months, the love spell was so amazing that i could not believe what was happening. my lover came to my house and asked for reconciliation… he now shows me love more than before thanks
My husband left me to be with another woman. and wanted him back. i was jealous and it made us argue all the time until he vanished away, I was desperate to get him back, I wasted so much time and money on getting my lover back after I have tried almost all possibilities to have him back and nothing worked. I became lonely for 2 years. To make it short, I found a spell caster Mr Robinson buckler by accident. I don’t know how I found him and i cant remember. But, when I first saw the good testimonies about his wonderful work and after reading the Testimonials, I decided I had to try and give it one last shot. After the spells, a miracle happened, my husband came home. it was awesome, anyone who needs help, should email robinson.buckler@yahoo. com He is the best. whoever need a spell caster that will work for you and bring back your lover should contact Robinson buckler. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
It is a very heart touchng lov story that there r really vry less people who cares for their lov…..!!!!!
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I just want to share to you guys our love story. Well, it’s not just any love story that you know, it’s something that is weird to others or unusual, but there’s one thing that I’m sure of, we love each other unconditionally and that makes our relationship steadfast.
I met him when we were still in 2nd year College, Marc is a transferee at that time and he’s one of my classmates in our three major subjects. Since he’s the shy-type kind of guy and I’m a more of a hyper-type of girl, I tried to talk to him. Well, I just want to do it because I can see that he has no friends in the room. He’s not even attracting to me, basically he’s not the type of guy that I really want, I just like him to be my friend and boom! I succeeded! So, we became friends, we became really close to each other, I realized that he’s so fun to be with, he became my study buddy and food buddy. There are so many happy moments with him.
After a month, he confessed that he is falling in love with me, I’m so shocked on what he said but it somehow gives me joy and calmness because I think I feel the same way too. So then, he started courting me, we had dates and more fun moments with each other. But one day, while we are eating in a restaurant, I saw his phone rang, it’s just a number. He excused himself and said to me that he’s just going to answer it. He went outside, I don’t know who he’s talking to, but when he came back, I asked him who was that and he replied that it’s just his friend. Days passed by and I observed that the number continuously calls him, honestly, I feel a bit uneasy and I started to worry. Also, every time that we were together in the campus, I feel like there’s someone following or watching us. It’s really weird, he said to me he also felt the same, that someone is watching at us.
Until few days later, I was able to observe that Gio, a 4th year guy from the same course is always there wherever we go especially while we are in the campus. It’s so creepy and weird. Then, when I was already at home, Marc texted me that he has something to tell. I feel worried, I don’t know what’s happening. He confessed to me that there’s something that I doesn’t know about him that he’s afraid to let me know because I might distant myself to him. My heart was pounding when he said that. And he eventually confessed that he is bisexual, that it was his ex Gio who is following us and who continuously calls and even chats him because Gio still wants him even though 1 year already passed since their break-up, but he also assured to me that he and Gio have already settled what they need to yesterday through text. I was very shocked, I don’t know what to feel, it’s like I’m dreaming. He said to me that he wanted me to know who he really is before we dig deeper into our relationship, since he’s just courting me yet. I said that I’m in very deep shock and asked him to distant himself to me for a while to think and reflect things so that I know what to do next. He agreed to me and said that he’s really sorry and that he loves me so much and nothing will change that.
It takes weeks of being alone, thinking, reflecting. Then I realized that I can’t be fully happy without him, he already became part of my life, we had so much fun memories that I just couldn’t take to forget. Then, I was able to accept who he is and somehow, I feel grateful that he confessed to me and told me the truth even though he knows that he might lose me for that, I really appreciated his honesty. I suddenly texted him and told him that he should meet me in the campus if he still wants to be with me, I also said that I accept him whole-heartedly and I can’t see my future without him. He was so happy about it and I finally said yes, and when we meet at the campus, he hugged me tightly and I can see happiness in his teary eyes.
So, up until now, we are still together and we’re about to celebrate our 4th Anniversary in a few months. True love is really being true to yourself and to others. I never imagined this in my life, and I won’t even regret him for telling me the truth because his honesty and kindness makes me love and accept him even more.
Finding real true love in the past was certainly so much easier than today.
RE:Unconditional Love | A True Love Story Валок Салфорд Невинномысск
$ex story: a one night stand experience i can never forget (must read) http://bit.ly/2kOn6gw
Thanks to E-mail:dr_mack@yahoo. com…for helping me get my wife back…
Wonderful.
Great post! Have nice day ! 🙂 yjhbi
Oh, my goodness! So thankful to ______dr.mack201@gmail. com for bringing back my ex lover…
Amazing story! Truly loved it!
I trully agree on this story because I can relate. Thank you for sharing your story Sir.
In this world where people like me who believe in love and every sentiment colloquial or not colloquial to it are made fun of, I believe in unconditional love and have a read a lot about it all.
Not just read but also have seen it and luckily now I am experiencing it too. I believe the fact that what you believe is something what happens to you and what happens to you is something what you believe in.
Love is about giving. Love is about feeling amazing when your partner is simply present with you. Love is READ MORE https://www.bonobology.com/stories-unconditional-love-among-couples/
Humans are capable of unconditional love up to a point, which itself is a contradiction. The early days are the easiest when couples find it difficult to keep their hands off one another. But life is strange and tough, especially relationships, which go through peaks and troughs, that is when we start to question whether we are with the right person.
I wrote an in-depth guide to how reconnect with your partner, it might prove helpful to some couples:
https://passionflames.com/fix-broken-marriage/
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your thoughts and the link to your blog on how to fix a broken marriage. I read the blog and it does cover most of the major areas that affect why marriages break apart and stay together. Yes, this could be very helpful to a couple in need. I’m aware that you are an experienced marriage and family therapist who has saved many marriages so you know a lot about this. (I would suggest you add your bio to your blog. People want to know who wrote the blog and their background especially if you are asking them to sign up for a newsletter or take the marriage quiz. Make your website personal and real.)
Please allow me to offer a different point of view about unconditional love. I’m not sure if you read every word of my blog and all my responses to the 100 plus comments this blog has received. Humans are capable of complete, total unconditional love. When they achieve that state, it never, ever goes away or lessons. The love that you are talking about is an emotional bond which is called love by psychologist and the way most people think of love. The brain study you cited in your blog about what happens when people see a photo of someone they love is not about unconditional love. It is about the emotional bond we call love which can go away and turn into other emotions.
The best example on earth of unconditional love is widespread. You are personally familiar with it. It is so widespread that you could consider the evidence so overwhelming it is settled science. This is the love of a mother for her child. No matter what the child does as a child or adult, however bad it is, that mother will still love their child. They may not want to spend much time with the child if they turn into a really bad person, but they will always love them. The love of mother for her child is unconditional. It remains regardless of what the child does.
So love is not just about marriage or romantic attraction. We can love a best friend where there is no romantic connection. This is unconditional love where a BF has their friends back no matter what. They will risk their life to protect their friend. So my article is about a different definition of love than the one you use and are familiar with.
I have personally experienced unconditional love and have unconditionally loved the women in all three of my marriages. Yes, the first two ended, one after 11 years and the other after 10 years. Even though the marriages didn’t work out, the love remains and is unchanged. The love never ended. Other issues caused the relationships to end.
So yes, it is possible to love unconditionally even when things go poorly in a relationship. The couple may not want to remain together but, if they loved unconditionally, that love will remain forever.
What is missing from article is the most important thing in a marriage or any relationship. You don’t mention anything about spirituality. Unconditional love is not an emotion. It is a spiritual state. It is my feeling that too many marriages end up having serious problems and end because the level of commitment is not at a spiritual state.
Most people enter into relationships because of an emotional and physical connection and that’s it. They call it love. They are swept up in it. But the deeper foundations that are needed for a marriage to go 50 blissful years are not there. Some married couples continue to go deeper and develop those foundations. The problem from my perspective is that couples should spend a lot more time learning about each other and getting deeper into what each other is about before they get married. They should seek to discover if they can truly love each other unconditionally.
When we love unconditionally, we accept the other person as they are. We don’t expect them to be like us. We don’t expect them to be perfect. We are unselfish always putting our partner first. We care about them as a person, a human, a soul. This is the foundation for respect which is essential for a marriage to survive and thrive.
I would ask you to reread my article thoroughly maybe a few times as well as all the comments I’ve written. That would come to around 10,000 words. It will give you a deeper insight into what unconditional love is as opposed to your use of the term love which is not unconditional love at all. If love can go away, it is not unconditional. To me, it’s not love at all. It is a deep emotional bond our society has called love.
The only true love is unconditional love which is a spiritual state, not an emotion. It is something that is not limited by brain chemistry.
Warm Regards,
Don Shapiro
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